There’s nothing like an old RomCom to break through the decision fatigue that comes from scrolling the endless options for watching on the various streaming services. “Shall We Dance?” is a 2004 flick that is good for its genre and suitable to crochet to (if that’s anyone else’s criteria but mine).

But it was this 40 second clip (below) that arrested me and brought me to immediate and fast-flowing tears. Always, when processing feelings and responses, when seeking to understand and be understood, language is key. And these words made sense of my lived experience in a way that helped me name it for myself and explain it to others.

In response to the question of why people get married, Beverly Clark (played by Susan Sarandon) says this …

Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time. Every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”

It’s been a constant challenge for me in my singleness (& living alone-ness) that there are so many parts of my life that are not known to others. Or perhaps even more accurately, there is no one who knows all about my life. On the phone to my mum I might mention where I’m driving to for work. At work I might tell someone of a dinner I’m going to. In conversation with a friend I tell them of the headache I had last night. At church I share about a recent preaching trip. Another friend helps me process a decision. The neighbour over the road knows I’m away when I ask him to put out my bins. Random social media postings alert to location or activities for anyone curious enough to look. But constantly I find myself speaking to someone about the latest episode of an event or issue in progress only to realise they hadn’t known the first chapters were even happening. “I didn’t know you were unwell.” “When were you away?” “Why were you waiting for a plumber?”

The words of this dialogue resonate. We need a witness to our lives.

For those of you who are married – I imagine your spouse knows every one of those things I mentioned above (even if they may forget). Some of them without you really having to announce or go out of your way to highlight. Those living with family or in a share house would experience that to varying degrees. But it feels like something of an innate need or desire. The feeling of being tracked (in the most appropriate and non-creepy way). The wish to not be the only one who knows your story. (It’s inextricably linked to the fear I expressed in my blog post How long ‘til they realise I’m dead? )

It has been good (and hard) to name that experience. To give language and voice to the challenge of it, the way it can feed a sense of loneliness and isolation, the weariness of the intentionality required to bring people along with you on your life’s trail.

Introducing the Sunday Update

When I managed to share this concept with my girls (through the blubbering and snot that generally accompanies such conversations) along with empathy and space to feel all my feelings – a practical resolve was what has come to be called the “Sunday Update”.

Three of us are in the chat (there are always three, right?) and we each take the time to give a bit of a précis of the week ahead. Where we’ll be on each day. What projects, decisions, discussions, or concerns we’re carrying into the week. What we’re hoping to achieve or bring conclusion to. What we need to focus on, what we need to remember to do. It’s written down so then we are able to refer to it throughout the week. The good, bad, terrible, and mundane things.

Consequently the messages we exchange are more informed. “How was traffic on the way to the office today?” “What time did you get home from the show last night?” “How did that meeting go?” “How is that crocheted baby gift coming along?” “How was school drop off?” “Did the people like your baking?”

Each Sunday (or sometimes Monday 😉 … ) we give a brief review of how we felt about the week before. Summarise some highlights. Express regret over the things that didn’t quite happen as we’d hoped. And then again give the agenda for the week ahead.

We need a witness to our lives (or maybe two). For some, we have that ready made – built into the natural makeup of households and families. But for others it might need more intentionality. Not only do we need a witness – we can BE the witness.

“Your life will not go unnoticed. Because I will notice you.”