There’s a people group in Northern China – the Uyghur people. When the women lose their partners, they enter a period of mourning that is quite ritualized. As part of this they have a phrase they repeat over and over that, when directly translated to English, means “I have lost the back of my chair.”
It’s a rich and relatable metaphor for all genders, ages, and stages. I have lost the back of my chair.
Go on, do it now. Lean forward from wherever you’re sitting and imagine the chair back (or bedhead, or wall) was no longer there. What would you have lost?
Rest. Support. Comfort. Security.
This is a great physical representation of what it can often feel like for Singles – particularly those who are single-again through divorce or death. I have lost the back of my chair, I’ve lost my security, my rest, my support, my comfort. Without that behind me I am unprotected, I am potentially destabilised, and I am more easily fatigued.
Writer Anabelle Crabb talks about the concept of learned helplessness in marriage. The reality that in a marriage roles are delegated to each partner that make the household functional. They’re assigned by skills or expertise, or interest and passion; or more pragmatically due to other circumstances (who is working in or out of the home, schedules, life stages etc). Over time, as you continue doing these tasks you get better at them. One of you is the master of the roast, one of you does all the tech programming, one of you keeps track of finances; one of you is the grocery shopper. But as you get better at it, the other partner who no longer does it at all unlearns it. Not only are they not perfecting or improving, they’re atrophying in capacity as it gets longer and longer since they last had to do or remember it. And so, when a person finds themselves Single-again they need to relearn a whole lot of things and compensate for the loss of the skills and responsibilities of the other. The same might be true for people living away from family and friends. New to an area or establishing themselves independently. Experiencing changed circumstances.
That’s where community can step in. Here’s how church family gets to be family to those without family. Here’s where the village can embrace and support. We say ‘don’t worry, we’ve got you, we’ll be the back of your chair. You can rest into us. You can rely on us. You can depend on us to be your support and your strength.’ For those who’ve lost the back of their chair – or those who through various circumstances find themselves without one.
But, to keep the chair analogy going just a little longer, what would happen if the back of your chair was there sometimes but not others? If every time you leant forward you weren’t sure if it would be there when you sat back again? Sure, any offering of help is great and any relief offered ought to be welcomed. But for the benefit to be sure enough for a person to feel truly unburdened consistency is an important factor.
That’s where the security comes in. We need to be reliable means of support to others. Not just to offer once to mow the lawns but to commit to doing that regularly. Not just to program your TV or network your printer – but to be willing to come back when it stops working or needs upgrading.
It’s true for all of us. Whatever our living situation and personal circumstances. We need each other and life is made more manageable and enjoyable when we don’t need to sit forward as it were. Where we can truly recline with confidence that we are held and supported.
“Death by meeting!” “Grrrr, I have to go to another meeting!” “Back to back meetings today, the worst!” Been there, felt that? Or at least heard it from others. Meetings can feel like the worst part of a job or a day. It can seem like they’re stopping you from getting stuff done. They can feel pointless or fruitless.
If that’s the case, you’re doing them wrong!
If you lead any people (or any thing), meetings can be the most powerful and effective tool in your leadership toolkit. In fact, organisational health specialist Patrick Lencioni says meetings are to a leader as surgery is to a surgeon. They are the place where all the skills, knowledge and expertise of a leader (or a surgeon) are demonstrated by doing what those skills, knowledge and expertise are designed to do.
The bad press meetings get is often less about the mechanism of a meeting itself and more about the mistakes we make or the lack of intentionality we apply when executing them.
Meetings bring your people together and so THEY should focus on doing what can only be done in person
Relationship and trust are the core, foundational characteristics of a healthy and productive team. As such, meetings should be leveraged for the ways they can contribute to a team’s relational culture. Building connection and trust is best done in person and so every meeting is an opportunity to strengthen relationships amongst your team (subsequently improving productivity, results and the felt experience of team members).
Sharing food, taking time to catch up on one another’s personal lives, learning more about each other, discovering differences and strengths, and deepening understanding of personal history and context are mostsuccessfully achieved in an in-person (or online as second best option) environment. Research also tells us that when people laugh together they will feel more relaxed and comfortable, they’ll have warm associations and memories of the team and gathering, and will trust one another more.
An intentional portion of a meeting and/or cultural expectation of meetings should be focussed on building relationship. For those who will struggle to find this “productive”, make it an agenda item that can be checked off! This will also lower participants’ fear that time is being wasted if it is an intentional and planned for element of your agenda and also part of what you are measuring in your meeting.
If it’s your meeting – ACTIVELY lead it!
Think back to some of the more frustrating meetings you’ve been in and they’ll no doubt include experiences like wandering off course, not following the agenda, unclear outcomes, mishandled conflict, one or two people dominating the conversation, unrelated content being tabled and given air time, presenters being unprepared or participants not equipped with necessary data or information or … I could go on but have probably already triggered some of you! But in your meeting, guess who is in charge of all of that. Correct, it’s you!
Participants will feel more safe and purposeful when a meeting is being well managed. Clear sign-posting language is key! “Now we move to agenda item C”, “That’s a great point but not our purview today, let’s note that for Thursday’s meeting”, “Let’s keep our answers brief in order to give everyone a chance to contribute”, and “So, thisis what we’ve decided as our action step.”
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT check out of your own meeting! If you feel it’s got boring, irrelevant or uncomfortable in some way, imagine how those without leadership authority for the meeting might be feeling! Stay in the director’s chair and keep things moving. It will probably change your experience of the meeting as well as improving the experience for those attending.
Don’t do in the meeting what can be done by other means
In order to, as mentioned in point one, leave space for what can only be done when people are together, you’ll need to cull those things which can be done via other platforms.
Shared calendars or documents, email threads, and digital engagement platforms (Slack, Viva Engage, Whatsapp etc) are able to handle the transmission of facts, dates and data.
If (for example) an events calendar is available for all team members to access, sharing it in a meeting should be to add context or update changes, not just to read it out loud. Meetings are a good time to consolidate vision and mission and to check everyone is on the same page. Explanations or opportunities for clarifying questions are good. Reading large chunks of text or going too deep into the minutiae is a waste of the precious commodity that is your together time.
The planning portion of a meeting should be kept to a minimum. If a large event or project requires more team involvement it should have it’s own “planning meeting” or the time allocation should be well factored into the structure and communication of the meeting. (“This week we will be allocating time to plan for our upcoming super exciting event!”)
NOTE – Making this possible may necessitate an increased requirement of pre-reading, preparation or commitment to read and respond to other information as distributed. If some peopl come to a meeting unprepared, don’t punish the prepared ones by using meeting time to repeat what should already be known. Shape your culture by rewarding what you want repeated and having the “oh sorry, I didn’t read that email/article/memo” people feel the expectation to do so next time to more effectively contribute to the meeting.
Meetings can multiply impact
In a previous pastoral role I oversaw multiple ministries, programs and teams. In one instance, a regular hour long meeting with a key leader effectively “netted” me a 2 hour weekly program, significant leadership development for the members of her team and ongoing support and learning for her own development as a leader. When considered through that lens, that was potentially one of my most productive hours on my calendar!
A meeting should multiply your impact as a leader.
The investments you make in a meeting – creating healthy culture, networking team members to one another, offering learning and development opportunities, providing feedback and celebration, clarifying vision and purpose, food!!!, etc – can exponentially multiply your output beyond the chunk of time the meeting requires. As a team leader, 2 hours of effective investment in your crew will optimise the productivity of your team to achieve way more than you could possibly do in that 2 hours yourself. This is the way we must calculate the ROI of meeting time. The temptation to skip out on an hour long meeting must be hefted against the multiplication of impact lost.
Quick tips
Choose the right meeting for the specific context
A three minute standing meeting might be sufficient to keep a team moving day to day. Off site planning days have their place. Staff meeting over lunch can tick a lot of boxes at once. Varying levels of formality will be more appropriate for specific situations. Not every team, moment or decision requires a 2 hour all-in meeting. Assess the needs of the meeting and select the format that will best address them.
Don’t have people in the meeting that aren’t required
When you’re specific about what a meeting is seeking to accomplish you can be more selective in who is in attendance. Different teams and/or parts of teams will be more necessary to various stages of decision making or planning. Having the wrong people in the room could frustrate the process and frustrate them!
Prime your team members to the value of meetings
“I’m sorry to do this – a meeting is unavoidable – I know it’s annoying – I’ll try and make it as quick as possible – I’m just as irritated as you …” I already hate this meeting!! How we speak about meetings can shape the value we see in them and help orientate the expectations of our team members. “Let’s meet on this because there are important decisions to be made and you need to be part of that.” “I think if we allocate an hour to this we can identify some of the pain points and get our team back on track with this project.” “People have been working really hard on this, we need to celebrate them and help them see how their contribution is shaping our outcomes.”
Agree to rules of engagement
Value your team and their time, and build into a healthy relational culture, by having clear and implemented expectations. Speak to the behaviours and attitudes that can lead to the meetings after the meeting if they’re not addressed. The larger your team is the more articulated these expectations must be, but it is never advisable to assume everyone will contribute or behave the same way. Strong leadership is required to hold members accountable to agreed codes of conduct and to provide relational safety.
Recently, I was having dinner with a group of friends when the conversation led to stories about Zoom. One person recounted a hilarious tale of a woman changing into her pyjamas in full view of the online prayer meeting! And we were away! Each of us was firing off other funny stories we’d seen or experienced. One after the other, not stopping from the laughter of the previous one before the next one began. It was loud and entertaining and our sides hurt from laughing.
This is story stacking and it’s so fun! Whether it’s stories about poo or vomit (everyone has a poo or vomit story!) or sharing favourite ice cream flavours or recalling funny incidents that happened on public transport … the energy is high as stories ping around the group. Each one prompting the recall of another, sometimes with a competitive edge as the tales get taller and more dramatic!
On another occasion, in a group of people, we were talking more seriously about the difference between those people who are expert and highly knowledgeable in their field and those who have the capacity to convey that intelligence to others in helpful ways. I reflected on a really difficult experience I’d had with an ultrasound technician. He had to inform me that I had miscarried early in a pregnancy and he did it in such a cold and callous way. It made an already terrible situation just that little bit harder. Straight away another person jumped to a story of when they needed an X-ray and started to recount their experience.
This is I-jacking. This is when, in response to one person’s sharing, we leap straight away to something that is about us. Or when, no matter the subject of conversation, we manoeuvre the focus back to ourselves or what we want to talk about. Sometimes it’s harmless. It could be an acceptable story stacking situation. But lots of times it’s really unproductive to healthy communication. It can shut someone down. It can dishonor a person’s sharing. It can diminish a person’s experience. It can communicate disinterest in others. It can make you a bad conversationalist! Or, as in my example above, it can actually be quite hurtful. To raise something personal or vulnerable and not have it acknowledged before the conversation moves on to someone or something else.
Story stacking or I-Jacking. One can draw all present into a dynamic social interaction. And the other? Well, that makes you a less appealing conversation partner and is probably not you putting your best foot forward relationally.
So, the trick is knowing how to spot a story stacking moment and how to avoid I-jacking (intentionally or otherwise). It’s a nuanced business but, generally, a story stacking moment is about light hearted or objective things. Like funny Zoom stories or tales of wardrobe malfunctions. If the topics are more personal, deep or reflective, or are initiated by the serious questioning of someone in the group – that’s not the time for story stacking. We must hold space for an individual to share fully and be responded to appropriately.
Story stacking is possibly the one sport I could medal in at an Olympic level! I love it! I love hearing other people’s fun stories. I have so many great stories (that I often forget about until someone else shares and prompts a memory) and I love me a good story tell! And then I love – perhaps the most – how my storytelling might prompt someone else to contribute and get to participate in the “collective effervescence” of a group deep in storytelling mode. But I recognise (first in others which made me question it in myself) that story stacking can so easily come across as I-Jacking if the initial story teller was hoping for the chance to say more or go deeper. It looks like attention stealing. It looks like disrespect. It can communicate a lack of welcome or inclusion.
ASK ONE QUESTION!
This is my social trigger, the mantra I’m repeating (or at least trying to remember to repeat) in my head while you’re speaking. Don’t jump straight in with an anecdote or a solution or a story of my own. Hold the space for the speaker just a little longer. “When did that happen?” “Why is that?”“How do you feel about that?” “What happened next?” “Does anyone have this on video?”
So often, when we are listening to others speak we’re looking for points of intersection. We are naturally wired to desire inclusion and connection so we’re trying to find our place in the topic that’s being discussed. Someone says “I really loved my holiday in Italy!” And our first thought might be to say “oh, I went there in 2019!” or, alternatively, to immediately highlight the disconnect “yeah, I’ve never been to Europe” or perhaps even more tempting “oh, I’ve been there twice now!”. In any of those responses, we’ve just made the conversation about us.
Ask one question. It’s a form of social discipline to train ourselves to stay with the speaker just that little bit longer – to value them, to learn about them, to be equipped to understand them better. Often, in the speaker’s response to that second opportunity you can gauge how desiring they are of a further chance to engage or how willing (or hopeful) they are for the conversation to bounce on around the group.
Story stacking or I-jacking. Watch for it around you, watch for it in you. Becoming more alert to the more appropriate conversation genre will increase your social intelligence and make sure you’re the one people want to be seated next to at the dinner parties!
It’s been said, mostly by me, that I put the ‘extra’ in extrovert.
Extroversion and introversion are descriptors of energy source and direction. A simple analogy is that extroverts are solar powered and introverts are battery powered. That is, extroverts source their energy externally – from the social and relational stimulation of others. Introverts source and direct their energy more internally. They are recharged by being in more quiet, low-stimulus environments – most preferably alone.
The categorisations of extroversion vs introversion were a helpful discovery for me as I moved into my young adult years. They were informative as I sought a greater depth of self-awareness and understanding, and have proved extremely useful in life and leadership as I’ve worked alongside others. Knowing which you are is essential for your self-management and well being. Consistently operating outside of your natural disposition will see you depleted and ultimately dysfunctional – emotionally, physically and relationally.
It’s a function of adulting and maturing and participating in the world that we learn to manage our natural disposition with the demands and realities of life. Emotionally intelligent introverts realise that they need to be with at least some people for some of the time – family, colleagues, strangers at the supermarket. That we are built for relationship and cooperation. That the company of others and what they bring to our lives is essential for growth and flourishing. That part of exercising our humanity finds its expression in serving and contributing to the lives of others. Emotionally intelligent extroverts realise that being comfortable in one’s own company is an essential part of growth and self-acceptance. That the practices of solitude and silence are useful for reflection and mindfulness. That social stimulation is no replacement for physical rest which is necessary for revitalisation and renewal.
However, any amount of adaptation and intentionality will not override the fundamental truth of where a person’s energy is sourced. We don’t “grow out” of extroversion or introversion. We just find ways to manage our needs in less preferred environments.
Case study – me.
I am a raging extrovert! I am energised by human interaction. The more energised the interaction the more energised I am! While I don’t mind larger, anonymous groups, I’m more fuelled by social interactions that are personal, robustly engaging, stimulating and soul nourishing.
A friend once compared me to her peace lily. The peace lily is a plant and you know when to water one because its leaves start to droop and curl. Give her a drink and her stems will straighten up and leaves unfurl – almost before your eyes. That’s what I’m like with human interaction. People who know me well can tell from 20 paces when I’ve been on my own – my leaves are droopy! Instead of exuding energy and effervescence I radiate ‘flatness’ – like I’ve pulled a few all-nighters in a row! Friends also know that with even the smallest spritzes of the life-giving water of positive human interaction I will come to life before your eyes. You will feel like a magician for the radical turnaround you were able to conjure with just your words and presence!
As someone who has lived much of my adult life alone, sourcing the requisite people interactions to fuel me has always been challenging. Extroversion energy (like introversion energy) doesn’t store well. It requires constant replenishing – which requires constant social exchanges. A large pool of people resource is required in order to account for the number of introverts who will be needing less people time and also the reality that other people have their own lives and calendars to manage.
As a younger person, this drive for externally sourced energy masked as some sort of social animal who couldn’t sit still, stay home or miss out. Over the years, as I learned and understood more, I recognised that physically my body needed rest, stillness, sleep and down time. I’ve grown to appreciate the slow and relaxed – and even the quiet. But these things do not energise me. The reality of energy sourcing is that while my body and mind might benefit from alone time, I am emotionally deenergised by it. It’s a truth that can’t be outgrown or outmanaged.
Navigating this extended season of lockdowns and isolation, working from home, travel restrictions and all manner of limitations has been hard for everyone for a range of reasons. As an extrovert, the reduction of opportunities for live social interactions has been life-draining! While the utilisation of online communication platforms has been a life-saver, there are times when I still can go multiple days without speaking to an in real life adult person.
As I’ve repeatedly bumped into the worst parts of myself – impatience, intolerance, lack of motivation and discipline, reduced creativity and productivity, loneliness, aimlessness and even depression – I found myself increasingly unable to straighten up; to self-correct. “I can do better than this, what am I not doing better than this?” And while myself and others made passing reference to the fact that my current lifestyle and experience wasn’t conducive to extroversion, this was my reality, these were the tools I had, there has to be a way!
So, here’s my revelation and ever deepening conviction – there is no ‘cure’ for extroversion. There’s no sustainable work around. There’s not enough duct tape and stick-to-itiveness to hold it all together before some sort of external assistance is required. This is energy-source facts. It is what it is.
In some ways, this news was deeply disappointing. I guess I was hopeful to discover an alternate energy source that could be self-generated and subsequently self-replenishing. It would be simpler for me if connection to other humans was more optional than essential. The depth of my reliance on other people makes me intensely vulnerable. I need others, most likely disproportionately to how much they need me. (Read more here your single friends need you (probably more than you need them))
Conversely, the discovery was strangely freeing. It gives me permission to feel the lack and grieve it. This is not a deficiency but a reality. It reminds me to tread lightly in my own life in terms of expectations and demands when I’m operating out of a depleted tank. It may helps others around me recognise the valuable offering they can make to my well-being. It doesn’t excuse the times I show up in disappointing ways but it possibly explains some of it. It turns certain behaviours or feelings into the trigger to more intentionally seek out the company and energising of others.
EXTROVERTS – what do YOU think? How does your extroversion play out in your life?
INTROVERTS – does this ring true on the other end of the spectrum? Does identifying the source of your energy help diagnose and manage your own life experience?
A few years ago I was sitting with my housemate and we both got a text message from a married friend. She was letting us know that she’d had some medical issues arise. There’d been some preliminary testing that was either worrisome or inconclusive enough to warrant further investigations. So she was going to have more tests done and was asking for us to be prayerful.
My friend and I both thought to respond in the same way and I sent a message back including “I hope you have some friends journeying this with you”. We later discovered that this was considered to be a strange kind of response. There she was informing us as her friends and inviting us to be part of the process – why were we questioning whether she was including her friends? Ultimately as a married person the need to contact friends was triggered far later in the process than it might have been for a Single person. A Single person who is experiencing negative health symptoms would probably contact a friend straight away. A Single person would seek the opinion of a friend or family member to know if they should go and get that checked out. A Single person might let a friend know that they’re going to a doctors appointment and perhaps even invite them to come along. So by the time further testing was required a Single person may have included their friend/s a lot more in the process. The reality is that for the married friend she had been processing all that with her husband up until that point.
Single people can have different expectations and requirements of friendship.
For a Single person, their friends are the entirety of their network of advice giving, problem-solving and listening. For those who are married and in a family environment a friend serves a different purpose. If circles of trust were to be drawn a spouse might find themselves at the very core and then friends at varying stages of distance in the widening concentric circles. For a Single person without a spouse at that core, often friends are drawn into a place of higher trust, of higher reliance; of higher connectedness.
What this creates is a potential power and need imbalance in friendships. Where the Single person requires more of you than you require of them. Where your name would be listed closer to their inner circle than their name would to yours. A friend of mine recently recounted a revelation she’d had of this when her Single friend asked her to come around to look at her new flooring. She thought it was an odd request until she connected with the fact that she would have had numerous interactions with her husband over new flooring and not felt the need to tell others – whereas her Single friend might not have had any engagement about her floors with anyone else. Perhaps a trivial example, but a helpful illustration of the different experiences.
This plays itself out in many ways, including socially. Where a planned social gathering might be additional to your weekly social calendars and fuller household, it can be the entirety of a Single person’s social connectedness. Where a cancelled dinner or a lack of invitation might result in you having a more quiet night at home, for a Single that could equate to being completely alone.
My friend Nancy and I talked about this recently as we sat across from one another at dinner. I made the observation that I needed that interaction more than she did. She’s married and is also a mum and as we talked some more she reflected, “I don’t think I had ever really considered how much my relational tank is filled incidentally and how that shapes how many friends I need, what I need from them, and the time and space I have to give them.”
What that means is that a Single person needs to maintain alot of relationships to ensure their input and output are sufficient to experience the human connection we are built for. Even for me, as a highly extroverted and socially and relationally competent person, that can be EXHAUSTING! There’s a lot to balance to ensure that there are enough of those once a week, once every fortnight, monthly catch up types of relationships to spread across the day to day of life in order to keep the relational tank at a healthy level. That need makes us vulnerable. There’s great risk attached to this reality that we probably need you more than you need us.
Singles, identify and own this reality. You need others. It’s risky. It’s exhausting. It takes intentionality and purpose but you can create the kinds of relationships that will allow you to give and receive the love, belonging, serving, fulfilment, purpose and joy that you need.
And for you non-Singles, maybe you could do a self-audit like my champion friend Nancy, to recognise the level of relational filling you operate out of before leaving your house or making any extra effort. It might increase your sensitivity to the needs of the Singles in your world and grow your understanding of the neediness they experience and the risk they take to stay relationally engaged.
This was the declaration of a new 5 year old friend when she discovered I didn’t have my own family. She had inquired about it after a few visits where I’d shown up clearly without one! “Does she have a family?” Her dad assured her I had parents and siblings, but she was thinking more about the kind of family that would come along with me. After some reflection, she made the decision that this ‘no-family’ situation would just not do and announced my immediate and complete adoption into hers!
Out of the mouths (and hearts) of babes.
The reality is that there are many Singles who journey life in the void of all that we are designed to express and experience in family. That’s where you and we come in! The opportunity exists for us to be family to those without family. Here’s some thoughts to consider as we endeavour to do that and do it well.
not all singles are created equal
Every Single is unique. Personality and temperament; factors like extroversion or introversion, history, circumstances or life stage, contribute to ensuring every Single has a unique set of needs as well as contributions to offer. While some generalisations might be made about certain demographics, there are often more exceptions than inclusions.
assume nothing – talk about everything
The only way to ensure what is on your heart to offer to a Single in your world is going to be accepted in the manner you’ve intended is to avoid assumptions and ask lots of questions. What are the situations that you find most difficult? How can I best support you? Is it helpful if I did “this” or would it be better if I did “this”? I read/heard/saw this from another Single, is that your experience? How does it differ? etc Often, things done with the greatest heart to help and include miss the mark because of the misalignment of expectations that could be easily averted if communication had been clearer.
what you take for granted
In the busyness and monotony of your every day life it can be easy to take for granted some of the things you experience in family (and potentially, even begrudge them). The buzz of noise and chatter as family goes about their regular routine, the sharing of responses over something seen on tv, serving one another in practical ways, incidental contact that happens as you move around each other, externally debriefing your day, a kiss goodnight – all this and more takes place in your home constantly and, often, without much thought. Singles often experience deep longing for these experiences and also could benefit from the grace, capacity for compromise and others focus that these circumstances demand.
the gift of normal
Don’t underestimate how powerful it might be to include a Single friend in the normality of your life. As chaotic or mundane as it might feel to you, it could be an incredible gift to someone whose day to day is often absent the dynamic these family environments bring. It’s possible to inadvertently communicate to a Single person that they’re an imposition or separate to your family when there’s a sense that they require a level of ‘hosting’ that is disruptive, rather than a type of inclusion that is mutually beneficial.
singles have more to lose
True, the responsibility to extend invitation, action social planning or nurture relationships doesn’t rest solely on those who are friends to the Single. But, the reality is that in the instigation or execution of such interactions a Single has less to offer and more on the line. If your family invites a Single person to dinner – whether they say yes or no, you’ll still be having a family dinner; if they cancel last minute, you’ll still be having family dinner. For a Single – the contrast is stark and so the risk is greater. When a Single invites a family to their house, they can’t offer an existing social dynamic – you’ll need to bring that with you. Until you are there, nothing is happening! It might seem an obvious point to make but perhaps it’s a perspective you haven’t fully considered. It’s certainly a dynamic by which many Singles feel hamstrung.
monitor & adjust
Seasons and circumstances are constantly changing. What works in one stage of family or life rhythm will need to be adapted as things shift. A biological family navigates these transitions constantly and included others can also – but it requires communication. The courage to ask the questions as changes happen will ensure that relationships are kept strong and mutually edifying as each new season is embraced.
LISTEN HERE – for further ideas for being family to those without family
READ THIS (“arriving alone”) – a practical encouragement to support Singles by helping them overcome a simple yet often debilitating obstacle
On the scale of zero to ‘please don’t make me wait for anything, ever’ – how patient are you? How patient would others say you are?
Patience is defined as
the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious
Waiting is not patience. Patience is about how you wait. Experiencing delays, problems and suffering doesn’t mean you’re a patient person – because we all experience those – the attitude with which you journey them is the determiner of patience. Doing things for a long time doesn’t mean you’re patient – it just means you’ve done things for a long time! Doing things without becoming annoyed or anxious is the key characteristic of patience. Our attitude, our grace, our tolerance, our peace and calm, our lack of reactivity, our persistence – these are all indicators of our degree of patience.
Relationships are where, simultaneously, our patience can be so profoundly tested and also where our patience is so intensely required. Impatient people make for unpleasant work colleagues, parents, partners and friends. Impatience expressed through frustration, snappiness, aggression, huffing and puffing or irritating repetitiveness (‘are we there yet?’) are killers of healthy relationships.
We all need to become more patient for our relationships to be positive and enjoyable.
As a quick thinker, speaker, mover, responder and decider, I constantly wrestle with impatience. I want everyone to move at my pace and sometimes do poorly at managing the lag time between when I get something and when others do … seriously, hurry up already!!!
TIP #1 – WE NEED A BIG PICTURE PERSPECTIVE!
Often our impatience comes from being way too caught up in the moment to understand its significance (or lack of) in the big picture.
Like aggressively racing around someone in traffic only to be stopped beside the same car at the next traffic light. In the big picture of a trip to work, that car going a bit slower isn’t actually going to make us late. But our frustration in the moment can cause us to act irrationally or become unnecessarily emotional (and potentially make unsafe choices).
When children are learning to tie their shoe laces parents or teachers can become frustrated by the need to do it – ‘when are you going to getthis yourself!?’. But there aren’t many adults who still need their parents or work mates to tie their shoes. They do get it. Keeping that in mind helps us to be more tolerant in the moment. This won’t be forever – even if it feels like it will.
So much of our intolerance and impatience is related to growth. We want others to get what we get; to know what we know and think like we think and respond like we do. But, often, they don’t have the same knowledge, wisdom, emotional maturity, life experience, perspective or skills and so are unable to respond the same way we would until they do.
When we zoom out our focus to see the big picture it grows our empathy and changes how we gauge others’ actions. Keeping the end in mind can drastically increase our grace, compassion and understanding in the now.
What do you think? How would keeping the big picture in mind shift your ability to be more tolerant and patient in your relationships?
It’s the stuff of magazine and online quizzes and random questions from well-meaning people at church. What’s on your list? In your ‘quest’ for a partner, what are you looking for? Inevitably this leads to speculation about whether one is too ‘picky’ or not. Matched by another’s assertion to ‘not settle’ because you ‘deserve a good one’ (as opposed to the others who clearly don’t?).
Unfortunately, the narrative around prospective dating or marriage relationships can be intensely focused on what an individual WANTS from or in a partner. We probe others about their preference or tease them about the ‘kind of girl/guy they like’. I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve asked me to give some sort of list or description of the guy I’m ‘looking for’.
Andy Stanley flips that question on it’s head and instead asks,
“Are you the one the one you’re looking for is looking for?”
When you imagine the kind of guy YOU would want, and then you imagine the kind of girl that guy would want, are you that kind of girl? If you think of the type of girl you would want to marry and envisage the type of guy she would be looking for, are you that guy?
To personalise it, the kind of guy that I would want to marry would want to marry a girl who was strong in her faith, growing in her walk with God, refining her character through submission to the Holy Spirit and wise counsel, sure in her sense of self, a person who apologises and forgives, a person who loves her family and friends, someone who is generous and open-hearted. Because if they didn’t want to marry that kind of girl, then they probably are not the kind of guy that I would want to marry. And so it follows, that if they’re the kind of guy that I would want to marry, then I need to be exactly that kind of girl.
It sounds like linguistic gymnastics but the shift in focus is profound.
Relationships and marriages that work and flourish are others focused. They are made up of two people who are intent on being their best, giving their best and helping the other to be their best. When it comes to considering our future partner, given that we most likely have little knowledge of if or who that actually is, the only activity we can do to impact the potential outcome of a prospective relationship is to ensure that we are growing into the best version of ourselves.
Of course, the upside of this is that we become the best version of ourselves!
Not just FOR a partner, but because the best version of ourselves is exactly who we ought to be striving to be. We benefit from constant growth and development and the fact that a future partner might benefit also, is just a bonus!
One of the challenges of youth is that you start making decisions that can dramatically impact your future when you are least likely to be legitimately considering your future! It’s biologically true (in relation to brain development) but also just reality that without a very long personal history a young person’s capacity to consider their future is limited.
When dealing with these decisions that come up, I like to ask young people to tryand picture what they hope their future holds because it’s really only in light of this that they can make choices that are heading them in a positive direction. What kind of person do you want to be? What activities would you be doing? Where would you be working? What kind of people would be in your world? … and which of these choices you’re considering would make that future more possible?
Everyone I do that exercise with imagines that they’ll be married. Everyone. Depending on age and how far into the future we’re projecting they might also be considering children. But even those who are not particularly interested in dating right now or still believe the opposite sex has ‘germs’ – when asked to picture their future, expect it to include a spouse.
It’s part of the narrative of life. It’s how humanity was created to continue. Attraction that leads to intimacy and oneness in marriage that leads to offspring who are attracted to others and get married and have offspring. It’s the ciirrrrrrrcle of liiiiiiiiife! (You sang that, I know you did!)
While that may be exactly how the future plays out for most – it’s not a guarantee for all. And even if it is in the future for our young people – it will not be the only or necessarily most significant part of what their future holds. And even if it is to be a significant part of their future – that may be some time away. So what about now? What about between now and then?
We need to develop a theology of Singleness.
EVERYONE is born Single. EVERYONE will remain Single for a significant portion of their lives (marry at 20 and live to 80 and you’re looking at 25%!!).
SINGLENESS IS A LEGITIMATE THING!
Created for relationship
As sexual, relational beings (these things are not just switched on as a preparation for marriage) everyone is called upon to appropriately manage these desires and needs in their time of Singleness – however long that may be. The wrestle of youth is a volatile mix of raging hormones, developing emotions and relational immaturity. They are difficult times to navigate. But, also for the older Single, these needs and desires are God given – how are they to be met and managed when you’re not (or not yet) married?
Singleness is a valid life status
Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, advocates for Singleness. He says Single life is less complicated than married life (no need to amen that loudly, married people!!). He acknowledges that Singleness allows for a singleness of focus on God without the innate energy, time and heart-focus a married relationship requires. You don’t have to be Einstein to know that he’s right. I don’t believe Paul is saying NO ONE should be married (because he’s a smart guy too, he understood the circle of life even before Disney released the Lion King) but he is saying if you’re not there are some specific freedoms, privileges and graces that are part of that season. There’s some things you can do now that you might not be able to if you marry. A different kind of freedom in your time, finances, decision making, focus and availability.
Singleness is a season to be embraced
Ultimately, Singleness is one of many seasons that will make up a person’s life. Ecclesiastes 3 speaks about there being ‘a time for everything and a season for every activity’. Across a life time a person will experience all manner of seasons – times of preparation and study, times of success and achievement, seasons of ‘plenty’ and seasons of ‘lack’, times of ill-health, times of grief, times of celebration and exploration … you get the idea. Every season has its own lessons to teach us, pros and cons, opportunities and challenges. Given that life is just a collection of these seasons – end to end and overlapping, long and short, repeated or forgotten – in order for our life to be lived to its fullest each season must be embraced and maximised. Singleness is no exception.
It’s completely valid to desire marriage – God asks us to bring Him the desires of our hearts. I think we’d serve ourselves, one another and our young people well to let some of these thoughts about Singleness pepper our conversations, our prayers and our expectations.
kimberly smith 