Discipleship

six truths about extroverts 

| Kimberly Smith

I’ve been an extrovert for many years now! Whilst not necessarily an expert, I do feel like I’ve been refining my extroversion skills over time. I think I can extrovert as well as anyone! 

Conversations about introverts and extroverts can tend to be quite polemic. In an attempt to be understood and validated we can often make sweeping generalisations about either temperament that are actually contrary to the goal of understanding. 

Here are a few thoughts that I think represent common misconceptions about extroverts and the nuances of how they tick. 

They aren’t all outgoing. One of the most outgoing people I know (Hey Paulie!!!) is an introvert. Introverts can be socially competent and dynamic. Conversely, not all extroverts are outgoing. While they may crave social interaction they may not be the ones to generate it. It can just be enough for them to be present in a socially vibrant space rather than the ones hosting or leading such interactions. 

They aren’t all good at meeting new people. Because of their need for social interaction at a high level many extroverts develop social skilfulness- but not all. Extroverts aren’t all naturally self-confident and often face the same fears as many others face when meeting new people or stepping into potentially awkward social environments. 

They need good people, not just any people. This may be more a function of age and maturity – but I find that not all people fulfill my extroverted need for social fueling. It’s not always enough to just be present in a large or loud social gathering – there needs to be social stimulation and satisfying personal interactions for energising to occur. While they may be good at small talk they can also crave deeper forms of communication and social exchange to feel more fulfilled. 

This isn’t an “extrovert’s world”. As much as introverts might feel ‘the world’ is innately geared toward the extrovert – extroverts could make a similar case. The very concept of people needing their own bedroom, a private office, or silence for effective work in exams or libraries – the general social norm of being in large public places but not talking to each other (waiting rooms, shopping centres, trains etc) – prayer meetings, lectures, and movie theatres where information is received without interaction – these are all potentially more satisfying for an introvert even though they would be perhaps deemed as “social” environments. 

They need physical rest in non-social places even if they don’t crave it. The energy they gain from being with others is physically finite. It doesn’t replace their need for sleep or to pause for physical renewal. In moments when they are emotionally deenergised by being alone, their bodies are still rejuvenating and necessary biological processes are taking place. 


Their need for others makes them vulnerable. An introvert is completely self-sufficient in regards to reenergising. In different lifestages that alone time may be harder to find but ultimately a few moments behind a locked toilet door or in the car on the way to the next social gathering can top up their tank. An extrovert cannot replicate the social energy found in the company of others and is therefore reliant on others to re-fuel. Whilst all humans need other humans for a myriad of reasons, this aspect of the extrovert makes them needy of other people which puts them at the mercy of others. 

[Read more about Extroverts & Quiet Times]

extroverts & “quiet time” // a double discipline

| Kimberly Smith


I’ve been wrestling with this topic for years. 

My thoughts are based on the following foundational truths. 

1. I am an extrovert. A raging extrovert! I know a few 3 year olds who are as extroverted as me, but other than that I am almost in a league of my own. 

Extroversion is NOT about personality type – it’s about energy management. Extroverts are energised by being with people. Social and relational engagement not only fills their love-tank but actually fuels them. 

Time alone is therefore de-energising. For me, if I had an instrument that showed my energy levels you would see it start to plummet the minute I said goodbye and hopped in my car. Extended time alone sees me resembling those ballerinas in jewellery boxes who just get slower and slower and the music gets painfully strained until it all … just … stops. 

I have learned to not make any important decisions during those times – regret would be inevitable. To reflect on any sense of my general health, life satisfaction or optimism for my future in the middle of extended alone time would not actually be indicative of how I really feel, think or am. 

[** see here for more info on Introverts & Extroverts]

2. Devotional time with God is important. Infinitely so. Jesus modelled for us a rhythm of life that includes withdrawing for intentional time for reconnection with Father God. Disciplines that draw us to meditation on God’s word, listening for His voice and realigning our heart and will with His, are necessary for our spiritual and emotional flourishing. 

You may already be ahead of me on this – but those two truths can actually be in conflict. The idea of “quiet time” or alone time with God being energising or life-giving is contrary to the natural experience of an extroverted person. 

An introverted person doesn’t need to be encouraged to spend time alone or in quiet. They crave it naturally because they need it for their own re-energising and even coping. The discipline of devotions or quiet times is more about being intentional – consecrating that alone time for the purposes of deepening and energising their walk with God. 

But for the extrovert it actually becomes a double discipline. The discipline to seek time alone and the discipline to seek intimacy with God in that place. 

My greatest sense of God’s presence, my most intense moments of growth and nurture, my deepest experiences of God’s transforming power, and my most clear sense of His leading and revealing, have all happened in non-alone times. I am also an external processor (not all extroverts are) which means my ability to see and interpret the things God is saying or doing is exponentially enhanced by sharing the moment or experience with another person; out loud. 

I do my daily Bible reading with the use of an audio app. Hearing the words spoken aloud is far more useful for my receiving and understanding than silent reading. When something is powerful or convicting or confusing – I repeat it out loud in order to confirm its meaning. Even my quiet times aren’t quiet!

When I do a prayer walk, extended retreat time by the beach or an intentional time of seeking God on something – any revelations or illuminations have to be shared with a third party before they really take root in my heart. It’s as though they are not really real until they’ve been confirmed by communicating them with another person and having some sense of affirmation or shared understanding of their significance. Any time we are “sent off” to spend alone time with God I use a fair portion of it preparing to share what God had laid on my heart with other people. I need to hear it outside my head and have the collaboration and engagement of others to confirm its life and meaning to my circumstances. That’s not a function of insecurity or lack of trust in God’s word to me or even any doubt that it’s God’s voice I’m hearing or His direction I’m sensing. It’s a function of personality and temperament – knowing who I am and how I operate. 

Someone once said that books on quiet times are written by introverts who don’t need them and read by extroverts who feel guilty they can’t follow them! I don’t have the research on that but I can definitely appreciate the point. 

I WILL celebrate Mother’s Day

| Kimberly Smith


This Sunday would have been my 14th Mother’s Day. An early term miscarriage saw the hope of that ignited and then grieved (& grieved again, differently, surprisingly; sporadically over the years). 

I still find it hard to believe that I’m not a mother. As I move deeper into my forties I am forced more often to face the biological realities but for the most part I’ve just lived with an expectation that (husband &) children would be part of my world. 

And then comes Mother’s Day. 

In many ways it’s a day that represents the hopes and dreams that are deep in my heart and the grief that those are unrealised. There’s a wistfulness; a longing that is undeniably present. Envy and jealousy rear their heads. I wish for the hand drawn cards, the dodgy school stall gifts, the crumbs in the bed from a delivered breakfast. And even more than that, just the day to pause and whisper in my heart “I am a mother” and celebrate all that it would mean for me to be that. 

The reality of Mother’s Day is that it’s a hard day for many. Those grieving the loss of their own mothers – to death or broken relationship, struggling with infertility, facing difficult family dynamics, processing illness (etc) often approach Mother’s Day with fear, anxiety or an overwhelming desire to hide away and avoid. 

But here’s the decision I’ve made and make again this weekend. I WILL celebrate Mother’s Day. 

Of course, I will celebrate my Mother (who I am abundantly grateful for) but I will also celebrate my friends who are mothers. Because I love them and I love that they have produced mini-thems and I want to champion them in this infinitely important role. I will help lead our church in honouring our mums and encourage them with the full resource of the church to keep Mum-ing well. This Sunday, we will cheer for all the women in our church who “mother” us – with their love and care, their modelling of Christian womanhood, their role in the lives of women and girls (& guys alike) needing the investment and wisdom they offer. 

I know some will disagree with me but I don’t think we ought to care for our non-mothers or those grieving in our midst by not celebrating those who are mothers. I believe the idea that we might not acknowledge mothers in deference to those who are wounded and hurting isn’t what family (in its broadest sense) is meant to look like. 

Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn. Rom 12:15

Do we not celebrate someone who graduated from university because not everyone has? Do we not high five someone who ran a marathon because not everyone has? Do we not congratulate someone on their 90th birthday because not everyone lives to celebrate theirs? No. That would be crazy. Families are full of people with a diverse range of experiences – both positive and negative – and one of the things that makes us family is our ability to journey the breadth of those experiences with one another. Where we carry one another in our grief and difficulty and we multiply joy by celebrating one another’s successes and wins.

Our tendency toward comparison and the associated emotional processing means that a day like Mother’s Day can make us feel more of the grief and heart-sickness of longing and loss – but our reality is actually unchanged from this Sunday to the next. In reality I am just as likely to feel the pang of jealousy watching a mum with her child at a cafe this afternoon as I am to feel it while the mothers stand to be acknowledged on Mother’s Day at church. 

I don’t mean to diminish the significance of the day – I just dearly hope to bring some perspective that might free us to more genuinely celebrate others as we ought. 

So, let’s celebrate our mums this weekend because they are worth celebrating. Let’s be sensitive to those who will struggle with this day (hot tip – don’t assume anything – ask lots of questions to help you best connect with someone for whom Mother’s Day may – or may not – be difficult. Let them direct you.) Let’s see this day as one of many in the life and journey of our family – where everyone gets a turn to be celebrated and those who need the extra love and support find that amongst us too. 

it’s not just you

| Kimberly Smith


I do some really random things. Too many to list, but here’s an example. 

When I’m pouring a drink, filling a pot with water, or even emptying a new bag of rice into the Tupperware I count. “Pouring ..1, 2, 3, 4 … done.” I don’t have a reason for counting. I do nothing with the number I reach, I just count. 

I don’t know why. 

One day I was talking with my Dad and he just happened to mention that he did exactly the same thing!! We were both incredulous! “You too? I was sure I was the only one!”

We proceeded to share all the different places and times we do this and laughed as we tried to work out together why! (No logical conclusion was reached.)

The power of the “you too?” moment is awesome. In funny, random things like this example it creates a fun and friendly link between two people (I often stop mid-counting now to think “ha, Dad would do this too”). In more weighty or life-impacting issues the power of that is exponentially greater. 

The divorcee, the abuse victim, the fired worker, the tired parents of toddlers, the grieving spouse, the carer for an elderly relative, the gender-excluded, the shift worker, the insecure or intimidated, the abandoned child, the heart-broken, the lonely person, the socially excluded, or the financially challenged often experience exacerbated levels of grief or struggle because of the perception that they are the only one feeling or experiencing their particular circumstances. When in reality, there’s unlikely to be many experiences known to humankind that aren’t also encountered by others – sometimes many others …sometimes even most. 

It’s probably not just you. 

The issue with this is that on top of the struggle of whatever it is we’re facing we add an often unnecessary sense of isolation that brings with it an increased emotional cost to process our way through to wellbeing. The language of this looks something like “everyone else is …”, “no one else has to…”, “I’m the only one who …”It’s harder for me because…” or “it’s easier for them because …” Sound familiar?

So what can we do?

  • Share your experience. Not only might you find someone else who can relate but you might be that person to another. The more I share of my own life and my own challenges the more “you too?” connections I make. For example, EVERY time I’ve mentioned my own experience of miscarriage I’ve found a “you too?” person in the group. 
  • Save your emotional energy for the real stuff without adding (most probably untrue) emotional baggage to your journey. When you’re struggling through a challenge or experiencing a difficulty – devote your heart energy to finding a way to cope and thrive. Don’t add the burden of self-imposed aloneness or isolation to the list of things you’re carrying. 
  • Change your language. I am 150% more prone to exaggeration than the average person. 😉 But in emotionally intense situations we are easily drawn to using exaggeration and over-statement to try and garner the depth of sympathy and response our hearts are looking for. “Never”, “always”, “everyone” and “no one” are rarely accurate statements (like, really, have you polled everyone?!). Yeah. Stop that. 
  • Check your self-talk. The things we say out loud are at least able to be challenged by more emotionally sober and objective people. What you say to yourself is incredibly powerful and largely unknown to those around you. Take responsibility for your thought life and the kinds of things you accept about yourself from yourself. 
  • Acknowledge the equation. While each of our circumstances may not be unique in and of themselves, the combination of them in our own lives – plus our personality – plus our life stage – plus our faith – plus our family dynamic – plus our place in the situation (etc etc) -combine to determine its impact on us and our response to it. The “me too” response ought to bring connection not a sense of being dismissed. 

the wrestle

| Kimberly Smith

  I spent today at one of my favourite places on the planet. 

Hillary’s Boat Harbour is located north of Perth on the beautiful coast of Western Australia. Ever since friends from Melbourne relocated back here 10 years ago I’ve been a regular visitor to see them and always included some time at Hill’s (as I like to call her). The pool, the beach, the array of restaurants, cafes, shops and pamper spots all ably supported by Perth’s magnificent weather. It’s an annual highlight. 

Today, though, there were a few tears as I remembered last year’s visit here. 

I came for 2 days in March 2015 and they coincided with the last two days before the  printing deadline for my book (check it out HERE). I was quite literally in the final throes of labouring to birth a project that had been 3 months in the production, 8 years in the procrastination and 12 years in the living of the message – all preparing for this one moment of hitting “send” and authorising it to go to print. 

Tonight I sat at the same restaurant where I had sat to write the blurb for the back cover. I remembered spending more time on those few sentences than in any other portion of the book. It took me hours and hours and the longer it took the harder it got. 

I was absolutely smashed by insecurity, self doubt, overwhelming fear; paralysing intimidation. Who would read it anyway? Who am I writing this for? (Not just the blurb – the entire book.) Had I been kidding myself through the whole process? Who am I to think that this might be something God was calling me to do? Have I wasted this time and money on a futile project?

I remember indiscriminately sending messages to so many people asking for help – something I’d not done through the entire project. I got increasingly distressed as I processed their replies – some conflicted with what I had been previously thinking; others conflicted with each other. My panic escalated further still. 

I sat in the restaurant no longer able to maintain my composure or conceal my tears, getting sympathetic looks from fellow diners and passers by, as I did the wrestle. 

You may be familiar with the wrestle. That moment of conflict where the choice has to be made to dig in and fight or to give up and run away. 

That moment where your resolve is weakened by doubt and your confidence is smashed by fear and the initial courage and boldness that fuelled the start of the venture seems to have dried up. The wrestle. 

Those moments where truth is primed to fall as a casualty to the voices of negativity and self-bullying. Where you start to question everything …like, actually everything …set adrift from the anchor that was empowering you to press on and do difficult things; to believe for something extraordinary. 

The wrestle. 

The prayers and encouragement of my support crew; a stubborn resolve to not have another thing go unfinished or unrealised; that undeniable sense of call and purpose that had been confirmed and reconfirmed, all converged to see the finish line crossed. There were more tears – of relief, pride, exhaustion, gratitude, humility – as the final document was emailed by the designated time. 

Since it was published, the book has been purchased by hundreds of people across Australia & different parts of the world. The message has been heard by thousands. The moment of holding the finished product in my hand was overwhelmingly fulfilling. I know in the deepest part of my know-er that the wrestle was worth it!

Today, as I sat at that restaurant again I was so grateful that I did the wrestle. I thanked God for the grace and power to push through in those final hours. I would do it again. I would. It was worth it. 

But then I wondered about the times when I may have avoided the wrestle or given up short of the reward that was waiting on the other side. I feel the sting of regret. 

And then I thought of the areas that feel like wrestles now. Those circumstances that are feeling hard to push through. Those situations that are overwhelming in their intensity, unrelenting in their attack on my heart and my energy and seemingly beyond my ability to withstand. And I let this moment whisper its encouragement – keep wrestling, don’t give up, press in and press on, hold fast … it’s worth it. 


old dog | new tricks 

| Kimberly Smith

“KimmE!?! Now tell me the truth! Is this a joke or are you for real?!”

That was the response from my little friend (6) when I told her I was starting tap lessons. I’m not sure which part of the idea she found more unbelievable but she asked many more times and many other people and I’m still not sure she believes me. 

But it’s true. I’m taking tap lessons. I ordered tap shoes on line. Things are getting real. 

So, “why tap lessons?” I hear you (me) ask. Well firstly, why not? But the other answers include for the fun, for the fitness, for the improving of my “pretend” tapping skills (although I think they’re pretty convincing) and for having something in my week to look forward to and connect me with others. Not to mention the joy I will bring the previous worst dancer in the group to know that mantle can be passed along to me, or the entertainment of those who will get to witness me in all my tapping-glory. 

But it does tap into (see what I did there?) a more fundamental value I have to always be learning, always growing; always stretching (literally and metaphorically). 

Learning a new skill, placing ourselves in a room where we’re not the smartest or most experienced, submitting to the leadership of others (rather than being the leader), being humbled by our inadequacy or in circumstances where we are less sure are all acts of discipline. The kind of disciplines that keep us moving forward in an upward growth trajectory. The kind that halt the stagnant regression that is the natural gravitational pull of our unattended selves. 

Tap classes start Feb 1st for me. When does your next lesson begin? 

gethsemane moments

| Kimberly Smith

“God can bring great fruit from things you really don’t want to do.”

That’s my main take away from a year of publishing, releasing and talking about my book on Singleness. God can bring great fruit out of stuff you just really REALLY don’t want to be doing.

Listen HERE  to the sermon I preached at my home church on Sunday Jan 10th about how it’s okay to be not okay with what God is asking us to do – but the call on us is to submit to His greater plans and purposes. Jesus’ time in the Garden of Gethsemane as He wrestled with and then surrendered to God’s plans for the redemption of humanity through His sacrifice, reminds us that more is at stake than we could ever know and being in the centre of God’s will is always best even if it doesn’t feel best.

single not waiting

| Kimberly Smith

Who doesn’t love a well phrased, inspirational quote? Sometimes you come across them on social media or in print and it just hits the right spot for the right time. I am also partial to a humorous quip. Because I love to laugh and they can provide a good chuckle. 

But then there are those quotes that just get under my grill and make me mutter to myself like a crazy lady. And mostly they’d be the ones that are to do with Singleness and include the word “waiting”. 

Waiting. 

“Single doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you it means you’re waiting for something better.” 

“Being Single means you’re strong enough to wait for what you deserve.”

Hear me on this, I do get what these quotes are trying to say. I understand they’re intended as an encouragement and certainly not pieces put forward for literary review. But when I read “waiting” in these quotes it makes me think of the waiting room at a doctors surgery. Just sitting there surrounded by pale grey walls, watching Nutri-bullet advertisements on the TV, flicking through New Idea mags from 1999 and wondering how many illnesses I can contract from the other patients around me while I wait 45mins for my 7min consultation. 

Waiting in that instance suggests stagnancy. Waiting implies that “now” is insufficient or inadequate. Waiting infers inaction until the desired outcome is achieved.  The idea of waiting potentially speaks into our spirits a “when” or “if” attitude – when I am married I will “x”; if I get married then I can “y”. And ultimately that kind of waiting robs us of satisfaction in the now. It detracts from our ability to embrace what is instead of  pining for what might one day be. 

To break it down further …

Here’s the list of things I CAN do while I’m not married. 

  • Have a career
  • Own a house
  • Earn a qualification 
  • Learn a skill
  • Travel
  • Go out
  • Participate in God’s mission 
  • Be active
  • Be a good friend, sibling, co-worker etc
  • Pay taxes & contribute to society
  • Have a pet

And here’s the list of things I CAN’T do until I’m married. 

  • Be married

Ok ok. That’s a tad over-simplified. And trust me, I get it, there’s no one who wants the married stuff any more than I want the married stuff. But my point is this – when we start talking about waiting we can unconsciously add things to the second list that don’t belong there. 

If waiting (in the sense I described) is a term that describes your Single life – you’re doing it wrong! If you’re holding off on anything on that first list because you’re Single, can I suggest a re-think? 

Here are my creative re-writes of the above quotes. Feel free to turn them into inspirational posters (referencing me, of course)!

   
 

this year I will 

| Kimberly Smith


So, it’s the time for New Year’s Resolutions. Do you make them?

Even though I’m not much of a planner or long term goal setter, I am an eternal optimist and so have regularly looked at the start of the new year as a chance to make a fresh start, set a new plan or make some kind of change. 

Of course, over the years, there’s been the obligatory weight loss and fitness goals; the re-setting of spiritual disciplines like prayer; Bible reading and devotions; home renos and maintenance; and a random collections of hobbies attempted, romances hoped for and travel destinations dreamed of. But in more recent years I’ve shifted to reflecting on the past year and looking to the next one through the lens of a series of questions. 

Here’s my list …

  

  • How’s my walk with God?

Each of our reflections on this would be unique to our personal relationship with God. For me, it looks like finding joy in Him and a growing awareness of His presence and guiding. Those things are evidenced in my sense of contentment and rest, and my fulfilment in participation in His kingdom work. And they are fueled by regular time in His Word, (I’ve just marked 7 years of not missing a day of Bible reading) worship and mission, hanging out with others who are pursuing Him and hearing testimony of Him at work. 

  • Have I finished my project?

Each year I take on a project. A few years back it was a new kitchen. After that it was a garden makeover. Last year it ended up being writing a book. This year it was fixing the now-famous cracks in my ceiling and walls. I nailed that one…with 7 days to spare!!! (You can still smell the smell of fresh paint in here!)

  • Am I fit and healthy?

That’s what it has to be about right? And it becomes a more helpful general assessment rather than the potentially unrealistic goals of specific measurements. That being said, the answer this year is “no”! But there’s hope for a back injury to be rectified and to get back on track as we start the new year. Clearly some disciplines need to be put in place to make the goal of health and fitness achievable. 

  • Am I exploring new ministry opportunities?

I want to keep growing all the time. I want to be maximising the giftings God has given me by increasing my skill and capacity to be ready to respond to all He asks me to do. This year I became a published author (eek) which opened some fun ministry doors for me. I stepped into a leadership role with a national Christian leadership development organisation. I did a radio interview! I was invited to minister interstate and across the state. I preached many times to thousands of people – youth, church communities, parents and leaders. Our church built a new facility which stretched us as a team into new thinking, planning and leadership. It’s been a full year. 

  • Am I open to “relationship”?

Putting “get married” on my to-do list doesn’t really align with my higher value of just wanting what God wants more than anything my heart would desire. This question prompts me to be sure I’m being the best me, maximising my now-season, and being open to opportunities to meet new people and explore relationship should it present itself. The rest is up to Him! 

  • How are my relationships with family & friends?

I want to be a good daughter, sister, Aunty and friend. I do this with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I manage to be much more available than others. I am determined to be fully present when I am there. I want more than anything for my family and friends to have me on their list of people of whose love they are assured. That will mean different things for different family and friends. Definitely a work in progress. 

  • Am I living life to the full?

Sometimes days are hard – sometimes those days string together and there are hard seasons. When I can, with what I have, I want to live the best version of my life. I want to manage my finances to be a faithful tither and a generous giver. Travel when I can, eat good food, see good theatre and laugh …as much as I can …with as many people as I can. I don’t want to ever live on hold. I want to see new places and try new things. I don’t want the monotonous demands of “normal life” (the bins go out, the bills get paid, the clothes get washed etc) to spill out and make any other aspect of my life boring or ordinary. This year I’m taking tap dancing lessons!!!! 

So “this year I will” look at these questions again and see what God has in store for each of these facets of my life. Buoyed by the belief that the best is still to come and in the highs and the lows God will be leading, providing and sustaining. 

Bring on 2016!!!