another wedding closer to single

“Every time another friend gets married it hurts more.” – a Single person.

Well, actually, many Single people. It seems a commonly experienced emotion among those desiring to be married – the pain of watching others experience what they are waiting and longing for can be intense.

My personal journey with jealousy is well documented (see a blog sample here!!) and an engagement, a wedding or a birth announcement are certainly able to flick my jealousy switch. But one thing I try and remember in the midst of that emotional response is that marriage is not a numbers game.

Marriage is not a numbers game.

Each wedding that happens is not actually making it less likely that I will get married. There is not a finite number of weddings that can happen in my lifetime and every time one happens my odds decrease. I know we know that, but sometimes it’s easy to forget we know that and add another layer of despair to our grieving.

We say, think or hear things like “well, there aren’t many good Christian men left in your age bracket!” Or, “you do live in an area where there aren’t many Single people!” Here’s the deal, we don’t need many we only plan/hope to marry one. Whether that one is one of a thousand or one of one is not the point. You just need your one.

The Bachelor is a TV show not a real life phenomenon. You don’t need to start with twenty-four to find the one. The process of discovering your life mate is not a game of comparisons. You don’t need to like Bachelorette number 11 more than Bachelorette number 3 in order for Bachelorette 11 to be your future life partner. The qualities of an individual person stand alone and should be interpreted in relation to how you are or are not suited – not because they beat out another person in an apple bobbing competition or some other randomly determined measurement of their true feelings for you!

But stop! Before this becomes a rant about the inherent stupidity (and oh so appealing watchability) of the Bachelor franchise, hear my point. It is not a numbers game.

Another wedding does not make you more Single. You are not more or less valuable, likable, dateable, husband-or-wife-able the day after a friend’s wedding than you were the day before. Undoubtedly the moment of celebration for another person can be a poignant time of heightened emotion, longing or grieving but let’s not add an unnecessary element to that emotional cocktail.

Now … the fact that your friends just got a whole lot of free household items when you had to buy all of your own!? Well, that’s another matter. You’re completely right to be indignant about that! 😉

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4 thoughts on “another wedding closer to single

  1. I love your thoughts here. And actually, I think it speaks to jealousy even as a bigger thing. Jealousy has resurged in my life as rather disagreeable besetting sin. I feel jealous of people who can go fun places on holiday. Or buy things without much thought. I’m jealous of people who are organized, and who have teams, and lots of friends. I’m jealous of people with well behaved children, and good figures. It’s never ending. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I can’t write to singleness, but I certainly can to jealousy!

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  2. Are you sure it’s not wishful thinking/rationalisation? 😉 Think of the pool of potential partners as a box of chocolates. You don’t have to have any to be happy but if you do want one there will be fewer left over time. Sure you may only want one but you may be left with the less desirable ones to choose from if the others are taken! Sure you can enjoy whatever you get but, for example, getting to choose from ten types is better than choosing from two.

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    1. Even in that example – either the chocolate tastes good or it doesn’t. The fact a chocolate tastes better than another one doesn’t make it a nice tasting chocolate. My personal theory on that is that the enjoyment of the chocolate should justify the calories otherwise I’d rather pass than eat a chocolate I didn’t like.
      But enough about chocolate. 😜
      It’s not about enjoying “what you get” you won’t hear any talk about “settling” from me! A friend marrying a guy that I wasn’t going to marry doesn’t make me less likely to marry someone. Nor does there being less in the “pool” mean that those ‘left’ will be somehow inferior.
      Have you not had the glorious experience of realising everyone has overlooked the Turkish Delight when that’s your favourite?!
      Annnnnd …we’re back to chocolate!! 🙂
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jane.

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