life – kimberly smith

Imagine your life until now was turned into a book.

If someone were to read it – how would you feel? “Oh yeah, you should read that, it’s a great story!!” Or would it be more like “let’s skip that bit you don’t need to know the details of that!” Or, “that’s just me doing nothing for 13 days straight!” Or “don’t look at that part, it’s not my best work!”

I’m deeply convicted to consider the fact that every day that I live is a page in the story of my life that I’m writing with God. Looking ahead, I would be most fearful of sections where I’d need to say “oh yeah, I was waiting for something to happen and so I didn’t do much then” or “I had an opportunity there but because of fear and/or laziness I did nothing with it” or “I’m ashamed of how I treated myself, others around me, my walk with God at that time.”

How do you want the story of your life to read?

It might not need to be a best selling page turner – world changing amazingness on every page – but surely we want it to be the story of a life well-lived. Nothing wasted. A life of meaning and purpose, right?

What do you want your story to read like?

Moses prays (in Psalm 90) “Teach us to number our days.” Show us how to count each day and make each day count. Show us Father, how to start each day seeking YOUR purpose and plans and to live intentionally toward them. Help us write a story that brings You greatest glory.

February 9th was my due date.

Babies are rarely born on their due date but when a baby doesn’t make it to full term, the due date is the only one there is.

If mine was a different story, my baby would be 14 years old today. Within that there is grief to process (read here) and questions still unanswered (read here) but I can’t help but pause to think how different my life would be if I were the Mum of a teenager.

Of course it’s all speculation, but with what I can imagine my life could be so very different. My day to day schedule could be different, Work life, friendships, social activities, priorities; heart focus. I might drive a different car or live in a different house. I might have less money in the bank, more shoes at the door, a higher turn over of food in my fridge. Those of you with children could list indefinitely the way my life might be changed by the presence of a child – right now and for the 14 years before.

It’s one of those “sliding doors” moments. You know the film where they track the parallel stories of a train missed or made and the different outcomes of each.

The “what if” game can be fun (or painful) to play. Imagining the outcomes of a decision made differently, a relationship ended or started, a job gained or lost, a different path chosen, 5 mins earlier or later, a different family, the near misses and the close calls. Some of them we’re glad to have avoided but others we regret and reflect on with longing and grief.

It’s almost impossible to imagine all the impacts of a baby in my situation. It might’ve meant a different relational status, living in a different State, a different career and job (and all the implications of that), I’d probably not have written a book and experienced the opportunities that have opened up because of it …you might not be reading this blog.

So today, I am not the mother of a 14 year old and all the implications of that. But I AM so many other things. The mental gymnastics of the “what if” can be fun but also painful. They can lead us to celebration of who we are and all we have or can cause us to be stuck in the pain of missing out or the negative spiral of comparison.

What about you? How do you handle your “sliding door” moments?