as far as it depends on you

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU – #6 Grow in Persistence

| Kimberly Smith

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Rom 12:18)

When using this text as a guide for how to do relationships well, it is too easy to use those first four words as our escape clause … “if it is possible”.

There are many broken or unhealthy relationships that we are very quick to write off as impossible. Things have gone sour, friendships have become untenable, families have become dysfunctional because “it’s just not possible” to make them work. Sound familiar? Continue reading →

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU – #5 Grow in Humility

| Kimberly Smith

Without a doubt the greatest enemy of good, healthy, thriving relationships is … you!! It’s me! Ourselves. Our self-focus and our pride will, time and again, derail our ability to do relationships well.

We easily identify that in other people – in fact, you’ve probably even said it before in a heated exchange or about someone “all you do is think about yourself” or “why can’t you ever just admit that you’re wrong”!?

Pride is an expression of our selfishness because it is birthed out of our desire to either improve the way we feel about ourselves or protect the way we feel about ourselves. Continue reading →

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU – #4 Grow in Forgiveness

| Kimberly Smith

Have you ever had someone hold a grudge against you? A family member or a friend? You said or did something wrong … maybe recently but maybe ages ago … and they just won’t move on or let it go – they seem determined to hold it against you.

It hurts, doesn’t it?

And even if it’s got to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s probably at the expense of the relationship – because relationships can’t function where unforgiveness and bitterness and resentment are active. Continue reading →

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU – #3 Grow in Understanding

| Kimberly Smith

I spend a lot of time thinking, reading, learning and writing about relationships because I find that most of my own personal challenges manifest themselves in that space but also the majority of the kinds of things I find myself talking to others about come back to the area of relationships too. Whether I’m speaking to children or parents about family conflict or frustration or people who are struggling to connect well with others in their ministry teams or people having difficulties at work or school – I find myself constantly needing to process with people a greater understanding about themselves and then about others.

Prov 4:7 Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you get, get understanding.

Other translations say, “though it cost all you have, get understanding/insight”.

I can’t even number the times I’ve made bad calls or responded inappropriately because I haven’t fully understood where another person is coming from – what their motives or intent are, what information they did or didn’t have, what other factors are influencing their behaviour or choices. I, like you I suspect, can be quick to assess and quick to judge because I automatically think that they know everything I know – in which case, there’s no excuse for their behaviour. It happens too often – hopefully less often – but too often.

Likewise, I could write pages about the number of times I’ve been misunderstood and judged accordingly – and critically. Whether a motive of mine has been questioned or I was saying something in jest and it was taken seriously or someone thought I did something that I didn’t … and then I’ve had to receive the hurtful rejection or criticism … and it’s hard!

Relationships take a beating when people don’t take the time to understand or have the grace to give others a chance to explain.

“Though it cost you all you have, get understanding.” Never let your decisions – particularly of the negative kind – be made on the basis of presumptions and assumptions. Do whatever it takes to understand fully so any response or reaction is based on truth.

  • START at “I don’t understand” – don’t finish there!

When you come to that place in an interaction that you exclaim (or even just think) “I just don’t understand you!” you have arrived at a great place to START to really work on that relationship. When we acknowledge that we don’t understand we are best positioned to clarify misunderstanding and misalignments. “I don’t understand” is the gateway to “help me understand” which is the key to unlocking all sorts of wonderfully healthy things needed for your relationships to flourish.

  • Choose to fill the “gap” with TRUST.

At our Kids Min Team Retreat I made a commitment to my team that I would always seek to fill the gap of understanding with trust. That when I don’t know why they did or didn’t do something, or when I hear something about what they’ve said or done, or there’s a chance for disappointment in an unfulfilled expectation … I would presume the best until I knew otherwise. I committed to trust that whatever I didn’t know or understand would be enough to have me not need to react … so I will wait.

It’s really hard to do – but it’s really worth it. It can save us a whole lot of unnecessary hurt and set us up in the right position to move forward in our relationships.

As far as it depends on you … how much energy do you invest into understanding others? What would it look like if you were to let “I don’t understand” be the starting point for relational interactions? How might things change if you were to fill any gaps in your understanding with trustinstead of suspicion, doubt or judgement?

#1 As Far as it Depends on You (read now)
#2 Grow in God’s Love (read now)
#3 Grow in Understanding
#4 Grow in Forgiveness (read now)
#5 Grow in Humility (read now)
#6 Grow in Persistence (read now)

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU #2 Grow in GOD’S LOVE

| Kimberly Smith

When it comes to relationships, to loving other people, you can’t give what you don’t have.

If you’re finding people hard to love and you’re finding relationships are difficult to manage … maybe part of that is that you don’t fully get what love is all about. Maybe it’s because you don’t have a lot of experienceobserving or receiving real love in action? Maybe we don’t fully ‘get’ GOD’S love? The more you understand of God’s love towards you and others, the more that fills you up and overwhelms you, the more that will overflow from you.

You can’t give what you don’t have.

In Luke 15 we see an incredible snapshot of what God’s love looks like. Jesus tells three stories. Firstly the one about the lost sheep – you know, where the shepherd who has 100 sheep notices one missing and leaves the 99 to go searching for it … and then He tells the story of the woman who loses one coin of the ten she had and virtually turns her house upside down to find it … and then there’s the story of the prodigal son or the patient father – who waits patiently and hopefully for his wayward child to return.

All three of those stories end the same way … they end with a celebration!!! Each of them calls their friends and neighbours and says “Rejoice with me!! Something that was important to me was lost and now it’s not!”

Jesus uses that context to tell us that Heaven throws a party when one of us who was lost is found. ALL of Heaven throws a party when one person who is far from God turns back towards Him. Just for one! God loved the world (and the one) SO much, that He sent His only Son to pay the price required to restore us to Himself (John 3:16) – translation – God loved you enough to sacrifice His own Son so that He could have relationship with you! YOU matter to God. And, from the stories Jesus told we can see that in God’s economy PEOPLE MATTER – every one matters … every single one gets a party! Everyone who has wandered off is noticed and missed, everyone who is lost gets searched for, everyone who returns is welcomed and embraced … every ONE matters to God.

And that means YOU and it means ME and it means everyone that we meet – incidentally as we go about life or those that we DO life more closely with … everyone matters to God! If we are able to view people through that lens it will change how WE love, it will change how we do relationships. How we understand God’s love for us and for others changes how we love and connect with other people.

As far as it depends on you … do you LOVE deeply, selflessly, passionately, committedly? Does the way you love look like God’s love? Does the way you love other people reflect how much they matter to Him?

#1 As Far as it Depends on You (read now)
#2 Grow in God’s Love
#3 Grow in Understanding (read now)
#4 Grow in Forgiveness (read now)
#5 Grow in Humility (read now)
#6 Grow in Persistence (read now)

AS FAR AS IT DEPENDS ON YOU #1

| Kimberly Smith

I’m a little addicted to Pinterest. Just a little. Some of you will relate. It’s a veritable treasure trove of creative ideas and handy hints and a reliable source of inspiration for almost every project, storage conundrum or DIY task you could encounter. “3 ways to do that”, “5 things you didn’t know about this”, “74 games to play with one balloon”, “how to remove any number of stains from your clothes, carpet, couch or cat” … you name it!

Pinterest boasts over 70 million active users and I would posit that its success is found in the fact that it taps into people’s general desire to “get better”; to “move forward”. To always be growing and improving, becoming more proficient at what we already do or to learn something new.

We’re always investing time in learning. We read books, magazines and blogs, we watch things on TV, we talk to people with more knowledge or expertise, we go to classes or buy the latest tools and gadgets. We are constantly looking for ways to be more efficient or effective – in our work place, in our sheds and workshops, in our homes … to save time and money, to get better results.

Imagine if we were to invest that kind of energy and effort into our relationships – into loving people BETTER! Imagine! Imagine if we took classes in how to do relationships or read books on the topic. Imagine if you had groups that got together JUST to discover how to be better at communicating or conflict resolution or understanding people in your life. Imagine!

The resulting transformation in our relationships, our families, our communities … our world … would be immeasurable!

In John 13:35 Jesus says that our love for one another will prove that we are His. The testimony of loving, healthy relationships will show that we are Jesus’ disciples because when we love we look most like Him. And when we love like Him we show a hurting, broken, needy world a way of living and doing relationship that is different to anything they could experience apart from Him.

I know what you’re thinking – and I tend to agree – all of your relationships would be so much better if “they” were better at loving! How many people do you know who could benefit from some good up-skilling in their relationship-doing!? There are so many people who really need to get better at communicating, serving, listening, anticipating, obeying, apologising (& forgiving), remembering, submitting … you know what I mean! They really should read this article. You should forward it to them!

Romans 12:18 says, “…as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

As far as it depends on you! And by ‘you’ we can gather Paul is talking more to ‘me’ than to ‘them’. As far as it depends on ME, live at peace with everyone.

What would it look like for you to do everything that is possible to make all of your relationship better? To take full responsibility for everything that ‘depends on you’ – your attitude, your pride, your responses, your language, your tone, your generosity, your sacrifice, your effort.

In the next 5 blogs we’ll look at specific ways we can grow and increase our capacity to love others. But it starts with embracing this idea first: at least SOME of the relational conflict, tension or disappointment you experience ‘depends on you’. Not all, but probably some – and probably more than we would care to acknowledge.

#1 As Far as it Depends on You
#2 Grow in God’s Love (read now)
#3 Grow in Understanding (read now)
#4 Grow in Forgiveness (read now)
#5 Grow in Humility (read now)
#6 Grow in Persistence (read now)