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We need a witness to our lives (& the value of the Sunday Update)

| Kimberly Smith

There’s nothing like an old RomCom to break through the decision fatigue that comes from scrolling the endless options for watching on the various streaming services. “Shall We Dance?” is a 2004 flick that is good for its genre and suitable to crochet to (if that’s anyone else’s criteria but mine).

But it was this 40 second clip (below) that arrested me and brought me to immediate and fast-flowing tears. Always, when processing feelings and responses, when seeking to understand and be understood, language is key. And these words made sense of my lived experience in a way that helped me name it for myself and explain it to others.

In response to the question of why people get married, Beverly Clark (played by Susan Sarandon) says this …

Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time. Every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”

It’s been a constant challenge for me in my singleness (& living alone-ness) that there are so many parts of my life that are not known to others. Or perhaps even more accurately, there is no one who knows all about my life. On the phone to my mum I might mention where I’m driving to for work. At work I might tell someone of a dinner I’m going to. In conversation with a friend I tell them of the headache I had last night. At church I share about a recent preaching trip. Another friend helps me process a decision. The neighbour over the road knows I’m away when I ask him to put out my bins. Random social media postings alert to location or activities for anyone curious enough to look. But constantly I find myself speaking to someone about the latest episode of an event or issue in progress only to realise they hadn’t known the first chapters were even happening. “I didn’t know you were unwell.” “When were you away?” “Why were you waiting for a plumber?”

The words of this dialogue resonate. We need a witness to our lives.

For those of you who are married – I imagine your spouse knows every one of those things I mentioned above (even if they may forget). Some of them without you really having to announce or go out of your way to highlight. Those living with family or in a share house would experience that to varying degrees. But it feels like something of an innate need or desire. The feeling of being tracked (in the most appropriate and non-creepy way). The wish to not be the only one who knows your story. (It’s inextricably linked to the fear I expressed in my blog post How long ‘til they realise I’m dead? )

It has been good (and hard) to name that experience. To give language and voice to the challenge of it, the way it can feed a sense of loneliness and isolation, the weariness of the intentionality required to bring people along with you on your life’s trail.

Introducing the Sunday Update

When I managed to share this concept with my girls (through the blubbering and snot that generally accompanies such conversations) along with empathy and space to feel all my feelings – a practical resolve was what has come to be called the “Sunday Update”.

Three of us are in the chat (there are always three, right?) and we each take the time to give a bit of a précis of the week ahead. Where we’ll be on each day. What projects, decisions, discussions, or concerns we’re carrying into the week. What we’re hoping to achieve or bring conclusion to. What we need to focus on, what we need to remember to do. It’s written down so then we are able to refer to it throughout the week. The good, bad, terrible, and mundane things.

Consequently the messages we exchange are more informed. “How was traffic on the way to the office today?” “What time did you get home from the show last night?” “How did that meeting go?” “How is that crocheted baby gift coming along?” “How was school drop off?” “Did the people like your baking?”

Each Sunday (or sometimes Monday 😉 … ) we give a brief review of how we felt about the week before. Summarise some highlights. Express regret over the things that didn’t quite happen as we’d hoped. And then again give the agenda for the week ahead.

We need a witness to our lives (or maybe two). For some, we have that ready made – built into the natural makeup of households and families. But for others it might need more intentionality. Not only do we need a witness – we can BE the witness.

“Your life will not go unnoticed. Because I will notice you.”

“I have lost the back of my chair” – security, support, & singleness

| Kimberly Smith

There’s a people group in Northern China – the Uyghur people. When the women lose their partners, they enter a period of mourning that is quite ritualized. As part of this they have a phrase they repeat over and over that, when directly translated to English, means “I have lost the back of my chair.”

It’s a rich and relatable metaphor for all genders, ages, and stages. I have lost the back of my chair.

Go on, do it now. Lean forward from wherever you’re sitting and imagine the chair back (or bedhead, or wall) was no longer there. What would you have lost?

Rest. Support. Comfort. Security.

This is a great physical representation of what it can often feel like for Singles – particularly those who are single-again through divorce or death. I have lost the back of my chair, I’ve lost my security, my rest, my support, my comfort. Without that behind me I am unprotected, I am potentially destabilised, and I am more easily fatigued.

Writer Anabelle Crabb talks about the concept of learned helplessness in marriage. The reality that in a marriage roles are delegated to each partner that make the household functional. They’re assigned by skills or expertise, or interest and passion; or more pragmatically due to other circumstances (who is working in or out of the home, schedules, life stages etc). Over time, as you continue doing these tasks you get better at them. One of you is the master of the roast, one of you does all the tech programming, one of you keeps track of finances; one of you is the grocery shopper. But as you get better at it, the other partner who no longer does it at all unlearns it. Not only are they not perfecting or improving, they’re atrophying in capacity as it gets longer and longer since they last had to do or remember it. And so, when a person finds themselves Single-again they need to relearn a whole lot of things and compensate for the loss of the skills and responsibilities of the other. The same might be true for people living away from family and friends. New to an area or establishing themselves independently. Experiencing changed circumstances.

That’s where community can step in. Here’s how church family gets to be family to those without family. Here’s where the village can embrace and support. We say ‘don’t worry, we’ve got you, we’ll be the back of your chair. You can rest into us. You
can rely on us. You can depend on us to be your support and your strength.’ For those who’ve lost the back of their chair – or those who through various circumstances find themselves without one.

But, to keep the chair analogy going just a little longer, what would happen if the back of your chair was there sometimes but not others? If every time you leant forward you weren’t sure if it would be there when you sat back again? Sure, any offering of help is great and any relief offered ought to be welcomed. But for the benefit to be sure enough for a person to feel truly unburdened consistency is an important factor.

That’s where the security comes in. We need to be reliable means of support to others. Not just to offer once to mow the lawns but to commit to doing that regularly. Not just to program your TV or network your printer – but to be willing to come back when it stops working or needs upgrading.

It’s true for all of us. Whatever our living situation and personal circumstances. We need each other and life is made more manageable and enjoyable when we don’t need to sit forward as it were. Where we can truly recline with confidence that we are held and supported.

I held my breath through October (reflecting on trauma, grief & living)

| Kimberly Smith

October last year was rough.

It was the month the foster care placement was completely imploding as she looked for anyway she could find to break it down. There were lots of nights spent wondering where she was. There were aggressive messages, slammed doors, defiance and rejection when she was home and fear and worry when she wasn’t. There were multiple calls to caseworkers, carers, teachers, youth leaders, after-hours support and even police. My nerves were shot, my heart broken as I watched her work to tear down what we had spent three years building.

It was a scary and lonely time. There wasn’t a blueprint for how these things play out – I guess others didn’t know what to do either. So, I cried alone – a lot. I didn’t sleep enough. I muddled my way through decisions and the necessities of life and work but it all felt very tenuous. I was constantly waiting for the next thing – the next message, the next report, the next demand, the next sighting. Plans were tentative; hope was suspended. And ultimately the outcome was not what it could’ve been or anything like what we’d been working towards.

So, this October I held my breath.

I held my breath and braced myself for the memories and reminders to come. The anniversaries of milestones missed and events disrupted. The triggers of moments and places where decisions were made and more distance was created. The reminders of opportunities missed to recover or redirect. The school holiday dates highlighted in my calendar in hopes that those things would still matter to my household. The advancing of plans and decisions that have been recalibrated in light of her leaving. The waves and waves of grief and guilt, and concern for her. My shoulders were tensed, my eyes were stinging, my reflexes were on alert.

In the physical, holding your breath makes you very self-focussed. When you’re holding your breath you don’t think about much else except for the sensations that develop in your body. (Are you trying it now? Go on!) Your chest gets tight. Your face can pucker. Your lips get taut and your mouth gets dry. Pressure builds in your ears. Your eyes squint. Your stomach contracts. Every activity in your body feels magnified and whatever else you might be trying to do at the time gets harder or even impossible.

In the emotional realm, holding your breath has a similar effect. In the space of self-awareness, one’s sensitivity to other feelings is heightened. For me, so many other sadnesses crept in. I became more aware of the pain points in my life – the disappointments, the rejections, the longings, the things I was missing or missing out on. Everything felt just that little bit harder – decision making, life admin, personal disciplines, relationships, physical tasks. As the days of holding my breath accumulated fatigue set in and things just got harder still.

It took a while to diagnose. As social isolation increased and functioning decreased it became a new normal of sorts. Things shifted incrementally and almost undetected. Until, in a moment of desperation-fueled clarity, I raised a flag with my best-friends. “I’m really not doing too well. I need your help.”

The door opened then to start to give voice and light to what I was experiencing. To name the unfamiliar anxiety, overthinking and second-guessing. To acknowledge the fears, and the dysregulation. To articulate the social apprehension and fretfulness that led to withdrawing in ways that did not support the well-being of this extroverted, external processing, people-needing soul. To describe the physical manifestations and observe how the body has its own way of holding and responding to trauma. To apologise for my absences, unresponsiveness and self-protection.

I breathed out.

Trauma and grief are unpredictable and uncontrollable. They’ll pop up when they want to, whether it’s convenient or not. They’ll grip your heart and distort your thinking if you pay them mind, or you don’t. But breathing out is the only way you’re able to breathe in again. Breathing out is necessary to make room for the intake of the sweet fresh air of the care of friends. For the voices of reason and compassion and kindness and grace to get a seat at the table. There is beauty and healing in tears cried in safe company. A mercy in being pointed to Jesus and reminded of God’s presence and power. There is release in shining light on the hurts and heartaches that spiral in on themselves in the dark.

I held my breath through October. It turned me in on myself and took me to places I’d rather not go again. It’s a recalibration, almost a retraining, but I’m paying attention to my inhaling AND my exhaling and … breathing.

how does stereotype threat impact you?

| Kimberly Smith

Feeling the need to break a stereotype more often leads to underperformance. This is just one of the impacts of the phenomenon researchers have named “stereotype threat”.

Stereotype threat describes the collection of thoughts, behaviours, reactions and modifications people engage in to avoid falling into stereotypes. The fear surrounding stereotyping or being stereotyped is credited for reducing executive function, working memory and emotional regulation. People can be so distracted by the fear of perpetuating a stereotype that they so disrupt their own performance as to confirm it.

If a man or woman in a particular field of work or study observes the stereotyping of their respective gender as not being competent to task, this is likely to cause an increased mental load that will negatively impact their performance – which may consequently prove the stereotype accurate.

This is felt in different ways by many demographics that are often stereotyped such as race, gender, age, IQ, field of employment, socio-economic status, and level of education. In any situation where stereotyping is possible, stereotype threat can exist. It can impede best performance and optimum engagement by both the stereotyper AND the stereotyped.

I see this phenomenon play out in a number of my personal and working contexts. Firstly, as a woman in ministry. Because I am aware that some deem it inappropriate for a woman to lead, in some contexts I am quite distracted by this attitude. I can become overly concerned about leading in a way that would refute such an opinion or impress sceptics – even subconsciously. Research indicates that this constant background processing reduces the amount of cognitive energy and focus I can apply to the actual task of leading – potentially reducing my capacity rather than allowing me to put my best foot forward.

Women preachers often report this as a regular part of their experience. Because of opposing views and the hurtful and dysregulated expression of same, women are often left feeling that they carry a greater burden of responsibility to preach well. If a woman preaches a bad sermon it could reinforce the notion that women shouldn’t be preaching (whereas a sub-par sermon from a man has not yet been known to call the preaching suitability of all males into question). Academic findings show us that this threat can be intensely undermining and often results in “over-efforting” to compensate and attempt to disprove the stereotype.

I also see this happen generationally. Younger leaders with a desire to develop or advance are cognizant of the stereotype that they are immature or unskilled, and the perception that they are wanting opportunities that are not yet theirs to have. The threat of this stereotype could cause a young person to act inappropriately, perhaps overenthusiastically and reinforce rather than refute the theory. Conversely, stereotype threat could cause a senior leader to act outside of their general process or gut-instinct for fear that their hesitancy is based on stereotyping and consequently misapply responsibility or opportunity to a young leader who does not yet meet required standards.

If we are aware of a stereotype we are affected by the threat of it.

Ultimately, the literature reveals that if we are aware of a stereotype we are affected by the threat of it. Leading thinker in the field, Claude Steele, references the scenario of auditioning a celloist for an orchestra. If, by seeing the candidates, the selectors might be aware of the perception of bias towards a particular gender, age demographic, or race, the only way to neutralise the threat is to hold a blind audition. Otherwise, the innate desire to not stereotype might lead to impaired assessment of the candidate’s cello playing abilities.

I find this area of research fascinating and think it has great application for all of us in some way. Here are a few thoughts for consideration.

Stereotype threat exists!

Acknowledging this will make us more aware of the instances this presents itself in our personal and professional lives. As stated above, if you are aware of a potential stereotype you are being affected by it. As Dr Phil says, you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. It’s a starting point to do a self-assessment and consider the areas you are most threatened by stereotyping and the perception or avoidance of stereotyping. This positions us to address it in a way that might free us from the threat and release the brain space that is being occupied with handling that threat.

Dis-identify with the stereotype

The impact of stereotype threat on the person who feels they are being stereotyped can be mitigated by distancing the stereotype from the person. While we might fear others are judging our work based on our gender, we can separate our gender from our role and focus solely on accomplishing it to the best of our ability – for example not being a “good female” or a “good male” in that context – just being good, full stop. If we are able to separate the aspect potentially being stereotyped from our core identity we can release the full attention and resources of our hearts and minds to performing the task or showing up as our best selves.

Relationship removes stereotypes

The way to remove the impact of stereotype threat is to see people as the individuals they are rather than the stereotypes they may represent. Being well-known (personality, temperament, skills, passions, personal life etc) and creating safe interpersonal environments will lead to high trust relationships that ultimately blind us to stereotypes. We no longer see our work colleagues as the “Asian guy on our team” or the “woman in our department”. As the bank of information we have about a person builds, the potential stereotype becomes a smaller part of the way we perceive or experience them.

As leaders, that could encourage us to being more intentional about creating teams or environments where relationship is valued and nurtured. Where there are opportunities for people to engage, in planned or more casual contexts, and discover more about one another. As individuals, offering more information about ourselves, presenting our whole person, will also reduce the size of the stereotype in the perception of others and go a long way to reducing its threat or impact.

I was introduced to this work on this podcast episode of Adam Grant – ReThinking

Check out https://claudesteele.com/ to explore more of Professor Claude M. Steele’s work

why I (happily) live in a tent

| Kimberly Smith

You know those years that become lifetime markers? Where your story becomes divided into before and after? 2002 was that year for me.

Amongst a whole lot of changes, challenges and growth it was also a year of great loss. I miscarried a much longed for baby and then my marriage of 8 years ended.

As dramatic as it sounds, it really felt like I was “done”. My greatest hopes for my future – to be a wife and mother – were dashed. I’m 28 years old and I’m done. And, as if my own fears and doubts weren’t screaming loudly enough, others gave voice to judgement and condemnation. “Divorced people can’t serve in the church.”

Done.

Through a dear friend, God illuminated Isaiah 54 to my heart and rarely has a portion of scripture ever spoken so directly and powerfully to my very core.

It’s long. And there are many layers to the significance of all 17 verses and the context of the scripture in the greater biblical narrative. But let me highlight just a few (reading from The Message translation).

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.” v1

‭‭‬‬Boom! What?

“The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.” v6

‭‭‬‬🙋🏼‍♀️

So incredibly affirming and embracing. He sees. He knows. He holds.

Amidst all of the upheaval I was processing two big decisions – an apparent call into generations ministry and what to do with the large family home of which I was now in sole possession.

“More are the children of the barren woman…” at that time there were at least 30 who would come under my ministry umbrella! And God in His grace called me to nurture an ever growing gaggle of children and families that shaped a culture and focus for ministry in the context He placed me. Also moulding a lifelong ministry message and opening my heart and arms to some incredibly special little ones He has gifted to my life over the years since.

But, to the main point of this reflection – the Tent.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.” v2

‭At a time when it felt like my world and my dreams had been completely shrunk, God’s word to me was one of expansiveness and big picture dreaming. Spread out!!! Think big!! So, as I looked at this big 4.5 bedroom home – purchased with the dream of hosting a growing family but now just a home for one – God was shaping a vision for a different type of filling and a redirecting of my mother-heart to a different kind of loving.

Thus The Tent.

Make room. Make room for ministry, for meeting spaces, for parties, for storage; for a community trailer. Make room for guests, for those in need of emergency accommodation, for the convalescing, the international traveler, for the visitor and those needing a place to call home. Make room for dinner parties for 16 and takeaway on the couch for two. Make room for dreaming and writing, preparing and creating; for baking and making. Make room to embrace and to launch. Make room for tears, for doubts, for reflection, for grieving, for searching; for prayers. Make room for great joy and loud, loud laughter. Make room for deep learning, for growth, for failure and recovery. Make room for singing and dancing and trampoline jumping. Make room for babies and children, for youth and their leaders, for mentors and friendships, for family and colleagues. Make room for memories and moments.

Make room.

Stretch your tent curtains wide. Don’t hold back.

A vision for a physical location, but more importantly a mandate for a way to live. Make room. A desire for an ever-enlarging heart. For ongoing and greater generosity. For continuing openness even when wounding or grief would seek to close me down. For hospitality in its truest definition – welcome, inclusion, comfort and connection.

And now the Tent has relocated. But the physical aspect has only ever been one part. So even though this iteration is smaller (for now) the prophetic vision over it is still as large. The door is open, the kettle at the ready, the guest beds are made, everything is to be shared and my heart’s desire is to always be a place of welcome for all who would come.

The full text of Isaiah 54 (The Message translation) can be found here

being family to those without family

| Kimberly Smith

“Her is ours now!”

This was the declaration of a new 5 year old friend when she discovered I didn’t have my own family. She had inquired about it after a few visits where I’d shown up clearly without one! “Does she have a family?” Her dad assured her I had parents and siblings, but she was thinking more about the kind of family that would come along with me. After some reflection, she made the decision that this ‘no-family’ situation would just not do and announced my immediate and complete adoption into hers!

Out of the mouths (and hearts) of babes.

The reality is that there are many Singles who journey life in the void of all that we are designed to express and experience in family. That’s where you and we come in! The opportunity exists for us to be family to those without family. Here’s some thoughts to consider as we endeavour to do that and do it well.

not all singles are created equal

Every Single is unique. Personality and temperament; factors like extroversion or introversion, history, circumstances or life stage, contribute to ensuring every Single has a unique set of needs as well as contributions to offer. While some generalisations might be made about certain demographics, there are often more exceptions than inclusions.

assume nothing – talk about everything

The only way to ensure what is on your heart to offer to a Single in your world is going to be accepted in the manner you’ve intended is to avoid assumptions and ask lots of questions. What are the situations that you find most difficult? How can I best support you? Is it helpful if I did “this” or would it be better if I did “this”? I read/heard/saw this from another Single, is that your experience? How does it differ? etc Often, things done with the greatest heart to help and include miss the mark because of the misalignment of expectations that could be easily averted if communication had been clearer.

what you take for granted

In the busyness and monotony of your every day life it can be easy to take for granted some of the things you experience in family (and potentially, even begrudge them). The buzz of noise and chatter as family goes about their regular routine, the sharing of responses over something seen on tv, serving one another in practical ways, incidental contact that happens as you move around each other, externally debriefing your day, a kiss goodnight – all this and more takes place in your home constantly and, often, without much thought. Singles often experience deep longing for these experiences and also could benefit from the grace, capacity for compromise and others focus that these circumstances demand.

the gift of normal

Don’t underestimate how powerful it might be to include a Single friend in the normality of your life. As chaotic or mundane as it might feel to you, it could be an incredible gift to someone whose day to day is often absent the dynamic these family environments bring. It’s possible to inadvertently communicate to a Single person that they’re an imposition or separate to your family when there’s a sense that they require a level of ‘hosting’ that is disruptive, rather than a type of inclusion that is mutually beneficial.

singles have more to lose

True, the responsibility to extend invitation, action social planning or nurture relationships doesn’t rest solely on those who are friends to the Single. But, the reality is that in the instigation or execution of such interactions a Single has less to offer and more on the line. If your family invites a Single person to dinner – whether they say yes or no, you’ll still be having a family dinner; if they cancel last minute, you’ll still be having family dinner. For a Single – the contrast is stark and so the risk is greater. When a Single invites a family to their house, they can’t offer an existing social dynamic – you’ll need to bring that with you. Until you are there, nothing is happening! It might seem an obvious point to make but perhaps it’s a perspective you haven’t fully considered. It’s certainly a dynamic by which many Singles feel hamstrung.

monitor & adjust

Seasons and circumstances are constantly changing. What works in one stage of family or life rhythm will need to be adapted as things shift. A biological family navigates these transitions constantly and included others can also – but it requires communication. The courage to ask the questions as changes happen will ensure that relationships are kept strong and mutually edifying as each new season is embraced.

LISTEN HERE – for further ideas for being family to those without family

READ THIS (“arriving alone”) – a practical encouragement to support Singles by helping them overcome a simple yet often debilitating obstacle

 

 

let me give you some feedback

| Kimberly Smith

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you read the words feedback and review?

For some, it might be a sudden bolt of terror as you consider being on the receiving end of a rant about your inadequacies. For others, it might remind you of awkward moments of forced encouragement sharing around the boardroom table. For others, it might be more about overly long meetings that meander around, are unnecessarily drawn out and don’t always have any tangible impact. Or a combination of all that and more.

When I read the words feedback and review I think necessary! 

Feedback is PERSONALLY necessary.

External feedback and review is essential to personal development and discipleship because it answers the question (we should all be asking), “How do other people experience me?” You know your motives, you know your own strengths and weaknesses, you know your intent but what you don’t always know is how those things are received by others. Feedback is the key to discovering that and to inviting the wisdom and perspective of trusted others into your personal and character development.

Feedback is essential to IMPROVEMENT.

If your team or organisation is wanting to do things well (and if you’re not, what are you doing them for at all?) and to do them the most effective and efficient way (and if you’re not, you’ll be frustrating and burning out high capacity volunteers and staff) then you need to know what is good about your good so you can keep doing it!

You can’t improve what you don’t review.

Even if something is going well, you need to know WHY so you can continue to do what made it work in the first place. Without reviewing to identify the key components to your success (in anything – a project, strategy, team meeting, performance or service provision) you may unwittingly attribute that success to the wrong thing and neglect to focus on or repeat those factors that led to the success. Furthermore, your capacity to turn good into excellent is thwarted when you don’t know why it was good to start with.

If you don’t know why it’s working when it’s working you won’t know how to fix it when it breaks.

Feedback is essential for SELF AWARENESS.

Ignorance is not a virtue. Feedback is the anecdote to that moment of revelation when we discover something about ourselves that we previously hadn’t known. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” The people around you know your weaknesses and strengths – they are on the receiving end of them everyday. There is no benefit to remaining unaware of the impact we make on others and how we are perceived and received.

We want to learn from those who love us so we won’t be unnecessarily shocked by those who don’t.

As Proverbs 27:6 frames it “Wounds from a friend can be trusted…”. We want to invite healthy and helpful feedback from those who love us, are for us and who are onboard with the mission and vision we have for our life or our organisation and will help us to head confidently in that direction.

No one has been fired for asking for feedback but many could’ve avoided being fired if they had!

Feedback given well results in profound ENCOURAGEMENT.

People need more encouragement than we think they do – and sometimes even more than they think they do. For the most part, many of us live in the void of knowing how we positively influence people or contexts around us.

We are never in the room when we are not in the room so we don’t always know the impact we made on the room!

Feedback is the vehicle to help us understand the unique offerings we contribute to relationships, to teams, to projects and to environments.

Often, our greatest strengths and our most unique capacities feel so natural to us that we don’t realise the impact of them on others. You might observe this for yourself, often when you affirm an attribute in someone they’ll respond with “yeah, but anyone could do that.” – when the truth is no, anyone could not do that. The fact that it comes easily or naturally to you doesn’t make it universally common.

Intentional feedback gives opportunity to highlight and celebrate strengths, talents, skills and gifts in others. Providing great encouragement and fuelling ongoing engagement.

Feedback shapes a healthy CULTURE.

When feedback becomes part of your culture (in relationships, as a family, team or organisation) it is self-determining. The more we give feedback, the more aware of self and others we become and, the more aware of self and others we become, the more feedback we will be led to offer.

When feedback is expected it is more accepted.

The more we engage in intentional feedback; the better we get at giving and receiving it and, the more we anticipate that as the natural process of living our best lives. Feedback culture creates pathways for feedback to be given – intentional processes and opportunities for feedback to be invited, offered and received. These pathways are predictable, accessible and supportive of the easy exchange of ideas and review. A culture of feedback also shapes language that makes this feedback most useful.

A simple example of this is the use of the word ‘because’. “I liked your presentation this morning” is a nice pat on the back but holds little value. What did you like about it? What’s your idea of a good presentation? What are you comparing it to? What did you get from it? How has it impacted you?

“I liked your presentation this morning … because …” You used great visuals to support your point. It was really engaging. You helped me understand something new. You brought a fresh perspective … you get the idea.

Empty praise is not accepted in a healthy feedback culture.

TRUST is required and nurtured.

A key component in a strong and healthy Feedback Culture of a team, family or organisation is trust. When feedback is part of natural rhythms and interactions it builds trust.

We can trust the motives of those who would give us feedback. We can believe that they are all about working towards our shared goals or for my personal benefit.

We can trust the silence of others because we know if there was something to be said they would have said it. Feedback culture means that there is as much honesty in the meeting as there is in the hallways (or the “meeting after the meeting”). We don’t have to fear what is not being said.

We can trust how we are being spoken about because of how we are being spoken to.

A healthy culture of feedback will nurture high trust and shape an incredibly healthy work or relational environment.

***

Let’s keep this conversation going – watch out for future blogs in this series about the necessity of Feedback. We’ll look at asking for feedback, how to GIVE it and how to RECEIVE it. Stay tuned.

talking about divorce

| Kimberly Smith

“The reason there are so many divorces is that we live in a throw away society and no one is willing to work to fix things.”

You’ve no doubt heard a version of this statement before, or possibly even repeated something like it yourself. It is often followed up with comments that start with “in my day” or “I was raised to believe that …”

Yes, the statistics on divorce are alarming at worst, disappointing at best. But not just because they seem to increase or because they might reflect a shift in attitude to marriage (or any other cultural trend that we might point to) but because each of those numbers represents two broken people, maybe a broken family and a whole lot of implications for those in the sphere of this couple … forever!

Divorce is devastating. Divorce is sad. Divorce is taking a ‘one’ that has been created by the union of two and tearing it in half. God says He HATES divorce (Malachi 2 :16) and I can totally understand why. It’s messy, it’s hurtful and its consequences are far reaching. I know this from my own experience – both as a child of divorced parents and as a divorcee myself. 

It doesn’t matter how bad a marriage was, a divorce is never good.

Our language matters.

We need to be more careful in how we talk about divorce – because, again, we’re talking about people. Not just a social trend or statistic. People. On the end of every one of our generalisations is a person who has been impacted by divorce in ways that flippant language not only fails to consider but may also compound. As I move around I hear so many stories of people being unnecessarily wounded by the careless words of others and see the easy traps people fall in when speaking about divorce. Our language matters.

No one gets married intending to be divorced.

No one.

Even people who don’t do anything to make their marriage work aren’t expecting that it won’t! Anyone who finds themselves divorced, even if it was them who initiated and actioned it, is living a different future than they expected. It might be better (safer, healthier, necessary) to not be in the marriage anymore but it still isn’t anyone’s goal to be divorced.

Divorce isn’t the easy way out.

Even when the pathway to divorce is clear – an abusive partner, an unfaithful spouse, untenable circumstances – divorce is not an easy option.

It is practically taxing. Division of assets, closing and opening bank accounts, relocating (for one or both), potential custody considerations and all manner of things required to detach and then re-establish independently and recover financially. It’s emotionally devastating. Even the most amicable of separations are founded on a level of relational fracturing that carries all sorts of implications for a sense of self and one’s view of the world – a life story is forever altered. 

It may seem easier than staying. It might seem like a cop out. But it carries its own consequences and challenges that can’t be underestimated (by those considering it or those journeying through it with others).

“We just never gave up” only works if it’s truly ‘we’.

Often, when asked the secret to a long marriage people respond “We just never gave up”. Which is undoubtedly true. Sticktoitiveness is one of the essential ingredients to longevity in anything. But it’s important to emphasise the ‘we’ in that statement. It requires BOTH people to have not given up.

The old adage applies that if only one is paddling in a two person canoe it will just go around in circles. Some divorced individuals never gave up. Some fought harder to compensate for another who didn’t fight. In the end one can’t be married alone.

A high value of marriage should be second to a high value of people.

Many people stay (or are counselled to stay) in abusive or destructive relationships because of the emphasis placed on the value or sacredness of marriage. Well might we benefit from a greater honouring of and investment in marriage – your own or those of family, friends or church community around you. Let us be champions of marriage – encouraging and supporting in anyway we can. But let that never be at the expense of the emotional or physical safety of the people in it.

Our language matters.

How you speak about divorce – in public forums (the platform at church, social media or other communications) or in casual conversations – matters to those impacted by divorce. Let’s be mindful to consider the people the statistics are referencing when we make observation of cultural trends or shift. Let’s be champions of people and places where healing and support can be sought and experienced rather than (perhaps inadvertently) communicating judgement or exclusion to people already navigating a difficult life experience.

creativity inc. – book reflections

| Kimberly Smith

Disclaimer : This is not a book review, it’s just some reflections. I listen to books (via Audible – get on it!) and I listen to them at 1.5 speed (if the narrator’s pace allows). I can’t highlight or underline and, as I’m usually driving while listening, I don’t get to take notes. I listen for big ideas, not details. I listen for concepts rather than quotes. So here are some reflections on a book I recently finished.

Creativity Inc. Overcoming the unseen forces that stand in the way of true inspiration.

by Ed Catmull

Ed is co-founder of Pixar Animation Studios and president of Pixar Animation and Disney Animation. A computer scientist by training, he initially created software to assist in computer animation but went on to co-found Pixar Animation Studios and create some of our best known and loved animated movies.

This book was fascinating. As a lover of animated movies (particularly Disney & Pixar) I was intrigued to get a behind-the-scenes look at all the processes and decisions that go into the making of the movies whose quotes make up around 50% of my general daily dialogue!

It’s quite a long read but it has so much in it. Beyond the intricate insights into how characters, plots and contexts were researched, created and refined I was intrigued by the leadership lessons learned and shared. And particularly challenged and inspired about how intentionally they focused on creating, communicating and maintaining a vibrant, creative and productive culture.

Some stand out take-aways for me…

Easy is not the goal.

Disney & Pixar exist to make excellent movies. The book references the thousands of decisions that are made, the distractions that need to be avoided, the challenges that need to be overcome and the budgets that need to be managed in order to make an excellent movie … and then to make another one. Every system and process is painstakingly analysed to refine speed and quality of production, staff satisfaction and overall outcomes. But Catmull was keen to point out that in amongst all of that, ‘easy’ must never be the goal. Sure, the easiest way to accomplish a goal is the goal but the goal is never about ease. He warned about how allowing a culture to be shaped around shortcuts, quick fixes and ‘that will do’ is toxic first to excellent outcomes, but ultimately to team morale and momentum. He gave multiple examples of how high calibre workers are motivated by the challenge to create outcomes of significance not mediocrity (however that might be measured in a given field of endeavour). I loved thinking about how that might translate into other leadership and team environments. I resonated profoundly with this idea.

A culture of feedback is essential.

Catmull details the processes of feedback employed at Disney & Pixar and they are elaborate. Organisationally, they continually spend a great deal of resource (man-hours, money, energy) on extracting, collating and responding to feedback on all aspects of their film creation. The level of humility demonstrated by senior leadership sets the tone for this. And the intentionality around establishing and maintaining a culture where feedback is genuinely welcomed and valued is incredibly high.

A loose paraphrase of a quote – “You don’t want to be in an organisation where the level of candour is higher in the corridors than it is in your meetings. In rooms where ideas, policy and best practice are being hashed out you want to only be hearing the truth – the whole truth.” And he goes on to articulate how it is that they monitored and responded to this. He shares not only his repulsion at the idea that people might withhold their honest opinions because they want to appear amiable to their up-lines, but the acknowledgement that they could never be their best or do their best if these honest opinions weren’t being heard. So they went about developing clearly communicated and curated methods for extracting feedback at every level of their organisation.

Sections of this book read as a master class in how to create and nurture a culture of feedback. I suspect I’ll be revisiting it for this purpose. It’s crazy inspiring.

Failure is essential.

Feeding into the value and success of a culture of feedback is communicating (in word and deed) that there is a way for failure to be processed and recovered from – a way back. In fact, Catmull asserts that failure is to be expected because it’s a “necessary consequence of trying something new”. An organisation can’t be hoping for innovation and progress without giving permission to experiment – which innately opens up the potential for failure as risks are taken.

Healthy team culture deals with failure in predictable, articulated and honouring ways so as to re-embolden a team member (and those watching on) for continued creative endeavours.

What TRUST really looks like.

I thoroughly appreciated the repeated references Catmull made to the importance of trust – but also how he defined it. He asserts the necessity of trust for healthy team culture, releasing the creative and innovative, and ultimately for generating best outcomes. Further to his observations on failure, he posits that performance failure can’t be a reason to withdraw trust. “Trust doesn’t depend on a person not messing up – it means that you’ll keep trusting them even when they do mess up!” (paraphrase).

Trust is about trusting the motive and intent of a person – they were thinking this would help and achieve what we were hoping to achieve, it just didn’t work out that way. Rather than assuming the worst of a person – they wasted time and money on a method that was useless and now they can’t be trusted with that level of autonomy or creativity again. If failure is a necessary consequence of trying something new and you want your people to try new things then they can’t be penalised if that attempt wasn’t successful. Trust gives a person confidence to make their best effort and offer their best ideas knowing that you are behind them and for them and will help them find their way back if things go wrong.

Lots of other things.

There’s more. You might want to read it yourself. If you’re keen on learning more about developing great organisational culture – this book could be for you. If you’re particularly fond of Buzz & Woody and all their other mates, then you’ll love it too!