A friend and I have been known to run an experiment. When attending a different church, she leaves me alone in the foyer (to go to the bathroom or something) and we see if anyone will talk to me. It’s damaging to my pride, self-esteem and sense of confidence in my personal hygiene to report that – more often than not – when she returns, I’m standing where she left me feeling forlorn and having had no interactions with others.
As someone who leads in a church and desires that our environments be welcoming and inclusive for all – I run this experiment not just as a test of the church I’m visiting but to remember for myself what it feels like. To experience that awkwardness of trying to posture myself to look open to conversations or interactions without making a fool of myself. And as bad as it feels, I remember that my experiment is only partly accurate because I’m a visitor. Others coming into churches come because they are looking to find Jesus! Some come because they are desperately seeking a place of connection and belonging – of home. While I’m only there for one night. So much more is at stake for them.
Whilst I have received feedback from people who have felt a little ignored or adrift in our church, it’s more likely that those who feel this most poignantly haven’t stayed around to tell anyone – they’ve just left. You may relate to this experience in your own church environment. You look around and others are deeply engrossed in conversations and excited interactions and you wonder why you’re not included.
The reason people at church might not talk to you is because they are exactly like you!
They are uncomfortable talking to strangers. As an outgoing, verbal, extrovert I am uncomfortable talking to strangers! Most people are! People don’t talk to you because, just like you, they are unsettled about talking to people they don’t know. How awkward will this be? What if we have nothing in common? What if I inadvertently offend or upset them with what I say? What if they don’t want to talk to me!? EVERYONE is processing these same questions.
They are comforted by their own friends. There’s safety and security in the knowledge of their connection to their group of friends. And in fact, they may well be worried that if they don’t speak to these people no one else will speak to them and so they don’t leave the circle for fear of feeling that isolation. We are all creatures of comfort and security. Stepping away from the known and into the unknown requires a bravery that we don’t always manage to summon.
Someone once said to me “I never realised how cliquey people were until all my friends were away one week and no one spoke to me.” She didn’t even realise the irony of what she was saying. She only noticed that everyone else stuck to their friends when the friends that she stuck to weren’t around.
They wrongly assess their social position. Frequently, the socially insecure assume that everyone else is socially confident. The quiet and shy ones assume that the noisy ones are more bold and self-assured (when, often, it is just the same feelings manifesting in different coping strategies). Those unfamiliar in an environment assume that everyone else is quite familiar. Those who are more connected don’t trust their social connections enough to leave them temporarily to reach out to others.
Ultimately, the human condition is such, that we are all looking for a degree of connectedness and are all at the mercy of one another to find that place of belonging and welcome. New. Old. Loud. Quiet. No one is exempt from contributing to the social dynamic of a community.
*** A common cry. ***
“What if I go up to someone and say – Are you new here? – and they say – No, I’ve been coming for 3 years.”
OR what if you start your conversation a different way!?! (Genius, I know!)
“How are you today?” (Revolutionary, but effective.) “Are those your kids? Have you had a busy week? What’s ahead for you this week? How will you be spending your afternoon? Have you done the winter pruning of your fruit trees yet?” (Read – there are lots of other ways to start a question that don’t need you to guess how long they’ve attended your church!)
Or just a simple, “I don’t think I’ve met you before, I’m Kim!” might be enough.
The reason people in MY church don’t talk to you is because people like ME (and you) need to get better at it. We can do this!
kimberly smith 
I used to attribute my inability to relate to other women to their being “stuck up” as it were, drawing from my experiences in church youth group. Now looking back I can see that’s been more of an oil-and-water type scenario, with different personality types simply not mixing. I seem to have a way of seeing the world, making observations and expressing myself logically that is off-putting(?) to other women even if I’m trying to relate – which is difficult in itself as I don’t identify with the kinds of things other women my age talk about, e.g., kids, soccer practice, school assignments and the like. I’ve tried the kinds of openers mentioned here, as I’ve at least observed that most people are eager to talk about their kids, their pets or at the very least themselves. But how do you engage someone when everyone is already talking to someone else? Standing there waiting for a break in the conversation gets old pretty fast, as does wandering around looking for another loner. Even inviting someone to coffee or a joint shopping trip doesn’t work as she always seems to have other plans (which may or may not be a nice way of avoiding me), some of which are the result of having already been snapped up by the church “friend hog” (another topic in itself). Communication is a two-way street, and if we’re supposed to spread the gospel or otherwise minister to other believers “as we go”, i.e., as we live our lives, how does this work when others won’t meet me halfway? Should I have to go 100% of the distance, and possibly make a pest of myself in the process?
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Yes get betted
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North church of Christ
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I’ve been going to north church of Christmas almost 4 years and the preacher has spoke to me one time
No member are friends to me
What should I do
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Why We Come to Church
Jesus is alive and has a body. Christians are literally Jesus body. When we come to church it should be to minister to Jesus body. Minister in music, sermons, teaching, caring, praying, cooking, fellowship, companionship. I minister these things to you as a part of the Body Of Christ, and you minister to me as the same. It is a conscious willful ministry. I will minister to Jesus. Most Christians I think never realize that this is the reason we come to Church. So we hear “well I am not getting anything out of it”. When our focus should be “what can I do to minister to other Christians as members of Jesus body?” If we come to church and give of ourselves, invest in the lives of others, then we will enjoy coming to Church much more. Remember, come to Church realizing that you are coming to minister to Jesus. Not to BE ministered to. Although you should experience being ministered to.
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How can you minister to those who are closed off?
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I agree with everything said. A prayer request that I have is that the enemy is trying to put a division between where I go to church at and my wife wanting to attend a different church. I serve at giving food out at our food pantry on Saturdays and serve handing out coffee as well as lemonade on Sundays. The problem I have is that outside of serving, Bible studies, or small groups that we call Life Groups; I can’t have at least a 5-minute conversation with anybody and if I did, I almost always have to initiate it. Am I that unapproachable? Why am I different from anyone else? I am a human being and a sinner just like anyone else! It is sad that we can’t have a better level of fellowship. I don’t want recognition, I want RESPECT! People at church act like that they don’t want to know me better by not wanting or unwillingly to engage in conversations with me. We don’t get enough phone calls, emails and texts when we are going through something; we do get a postcard in the mail and that is it. We need to be fed better to keep the body of Christ healthy on all levels. When people engage and receive communication in fellowship, it makes a better relationship! You people need some lessons on giving and receiving! I thought Jesus taught that a long time ago in class. Looks like a few students failed and need to repeat taking the class again!
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Churches…like boxes of chocolates…do you like the ones with nuts, caramel, coconut, milk chocolate or dark or white chicolate? Jelly filled, yuck, those are my least favorite. There is one for every taste, especially if it is supposed to be a social club. As you indicate by your essay, the Creator has nothing to do with it (since God is not mentioned in all you said.) People cannot ” find Jesus” because He is not lost, they are. Churches are empty in heart and attendance because people do not know God. People are void of the responsibility of living, eating and breathing God’s Word 24-7 on their own, so they can know, love and worship Him. It is ALWAYS, ONLY about Him and He says so, page after page in scripture. Only when people love God with all their heart, mind and strength will people love their neighbors as themselves. This is the whole law of God. Paul’s letters say nothing like, ” those cold people in Galatia didn’t even talk to me. Boo hoo!” Bottom line, the way is narrow and few will find it, men’s hearts are cold. Churches teach as doctrine the commandments of men. And you are right, they even make lousy social clubs.
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Mary, you are right about this not being said in the book of Galatians! That book deals with false teaching.
However 2 Timothy nails the problem…
2 Timothy 3:1-5
New International Version
3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
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I have found exactly the same situation, here in Australia. I got saved when I was 11, and went to church and served and basically did so many things to help in the church. Tried to approach people, but so many of them, don’t know how, to talk to you, or you were just ignored. So many, (including myself, left with soul wounds and the church couldn’t help, because they didn’t know “how to”). I’m sure that Jesus would have become so frustrated over this, in churches.
I stopped going to church at 45 years of age, because things were just going around in circles, and well meaning people, had no idea, about basically, life skills or anything much, for that matter. I have kept my faith, but I will never want to walk into a church again, with stupid, ignorant, well meaning christians, who are totally clueless.
It’s an absolute disgrace, the way the church itself, is today. (Except for the real remnant). That’s where the power of God is, not in the social clubs on Sundays.
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Gee… not much of Christ’s love in your heart at all… what makes you a better person? You’re a sinner like the rest of us, a struggler with too much pride and judgmentality and criticism in your soul.
Jesus came to save the sinner, not the Pharisee.
I would repent if I were you and ask God to teach you how to love with His love, not yours because you obviously don’t have any.
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You’re no better than her. Shes expressing herself. Hurt people…hurt people.
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Sylvia, victim blaming never helps.
When I read Danielle’ message I summarise it as 1) was saved 2) tried to serve others wholeheartedly 3) was rejected by church people.
Few people at church are saved, most are there for social reasons. Ironically, the number one thing standing between Christ and people is ‘church people’.
Your comment makes me wonder if you are saved or if you are another hateful person who the devil has placed in church to distract everyone from God.
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Kimberly,
You’ve provided a nice list of excuses for people that are just cold and unfriendly. Also, many Christians are just self centered and only in church to please family members that guilt them into being there. They don’t really want to be there and so do no socialize or even move out of their pew to say hello to anyone. Just come in, sit down, and leave immediately after the service is over without making the rounds to express any fellowship,
I am thinking of leaving my church one again for this very reason. I do realize that no church is perfect and neither am I. I was raised in a big city and now I go to church 45 miles from home to a very small town church where many there are related and / or also are life long neighbors. I am an “outsider”. I go to this church do to the doctrine they hold as truth. Many in the church have been raised with the teaching that of you miss church, you are being “unfaithful to God’s people”. On the other hand I have no problem with taking off for the weekend and missing church one in a while. I also go to other churches once in a while. This missing of church by me is resented by those in the church and they are obviously upset. They passive-aggressively demonstrate this by giving me the silent treatment, sulking, no being friendly, etc. Many people have come to our church and left because when the come to church they hear this; “We missed you last week”. Now that may seem harmless but people do not want others to keep track of when they are in church and when they are not. Nor do they want to be reminded that they were not in church. People do not want someone else keeping a church attendance score card.
As for the not talking to other, people need to understand that when they do not speak to other people not only are they being perceived as cold, indifferent, selfish, stuck up, and unfriendly, they ACTUALLY ARE cold, indifferent, selfish, stuck up, and unfriendly. Wise up people. Examine what you are presenting to other Christians that come to your church. Act like you have just one shred of interest in other people. 1 Peter 4:8 – “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.”
– Chris –
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This is so true, I go to a church and people look at me. Some don’t care to even talk to me. Like I’m some kind of stranger.
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See my comment aboveJo.
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First, I love my church. I love the vision and how God is doing great things at my church. But I also know that the church is comprised of people who are not perfect and I do not expect too much from anyone. But I am not going to lie, I am frustrated that no one calls me or even sends me a simple text to say hi. I am introvert as well but I have challenged myself to go talk to other people, send them texts and check on them. I’m talking people that have been at the church way longer than I have. With new people, I try to be the person I wish someone would be with me. Is it ok to talk to the pastor about that without sounding like I’m complaining or trying to cause any strife? Any advice on how to approach the situation?
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your experience is, unfortunately, too common.
It sounds like you’re making good choices and considerations. I wonder if others are aware of how much their contact with you is (or would be) appreciated? I think we all play a part in “educating” others to know what we need to feel included and connected. Perhaps you could think about being more intentional about communicating that?
Chatting with your pastor is an option but you need to consider how you think she or he could change your experience. Is it their response (texts/calls) you’re hoping to get? Or do you have specific ideas for how they could influence the culture of your church? I think going to them is a legitimate next step if you have some sense of what could happen to change things.
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“With new people, I try to be the person I wish someone would be with me” – Kudos to you
Call them
Text them
Check on them
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Kimberly I read what you said. I feel as though I am being persecuted. I was told not to go to the paster for any prayers I that won’t get one. That was true. I was left standing up front a number of times when I went up for a prayer. I was told don’t ask for help as I won’t get it. For four years I had helped in Sunday school. Then I was
pushing out nastily when they
could have told me they wanted to change the Sunday school
teacher. They didn’t want me in
there teaching their children because I was white. It makes
me feel very sad. I went to the
main service and found I was not
welcomed there either . I don’t
attend anymore. I do love God
and his standards. I feel I am
being quietly persecuted. They
don’t even ring to see how we
are. I have a very sick husband
and I try to help orher members
of my family. You know I need encouragement too. I have to face everything alone.
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Please realize some people are extreme introverts. They are not deliberately being aloof.They may feel safe in their little group. As for me it’s ‘s very difficult for me to meet strangers. I am an introvert. I want to be left alone with my family. However I don’t like that part of me. I want to change that about myself. Many times I’ve forced myself to extend a greeting to a new church face. I want to be able to reach out to people and feel joyous about it. I’ve meditated and prayed earnestly about this. I know only with God I will overcome this.
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To Kimberly Smith:I wrote you an email quite a while back, and have not gotten a reply. Does it take quite a while to get a reply back??
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Hi Mary – I don’t seem to have an email here from you, sorry. Perhaps you could try and resend it?
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To: Kimberly Smith: I sent it to your email adress that’s listed here on your site.
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Then what is the god damn of Christianity if a lot of people who profess themselves as Christian which means that are willing to take up their cross to follow Jesus, do their daily bread devotional to be closer to God and reaching out to lost souls. But no~! They want to look cool and stay in their comfy comfort zone so that more people souls will be not saved because of their unwillingness to go through that awkward conversation to connect and to become the body of Christ of all nations. I know that we are not perfect but for God sake! Jesus did not died on the cross so that you can go to Sundays church and always getting received and recieved and never giving to the kingdom of God that had blessed you so much. When Jesus went to the adulterous women. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” John 8:10-11 NLT. In a more realistic saying sin less than your old self. Seriously, people who had been born again by the power of Jesus Christ and started to risk their lives to spread the gospel to the people who had never heard Jesus in the more Christian hostile nations. Why do they do it? It’s simple, they truly believe that Jesus is their saviour and gave them a new heart to build the kingdom of heaven while being closer to him. I know it’s pretty long and rant like, but because I went through that pain and struggle that jaded me out and almost made an atheist that hates God. But because God reached out to my heart by a classmate of mine who went through that same struggle and reached out to me and blessed me so much that I can’t be the same as before. Because of this, I commit myself to serve my church, doing daily devotional, and reaching out to some of my friends that had never heard the gospel. Thank you for reading and understanding the downside of this dangerous behavior that most churches have.
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Also, we cannot fabricate friendliness. We have greeters at our church, and everyone knows it. You have to be the real deal!
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Blah blah blah. All of the psychology of this world is not the answer. People do not talk to each other or love each other in this culture because in the last days, the love of most will grow cold!!! We are so monetarily compartmentalized its sick. I believe there are about six income levels of division. As long as man wants to continue to be his own God, the problem will continue. I want to exhort the people who are frustrated, you are quite normal and correct, and the church is not necessarily understanding just because they are a church. If anyone reading this is a pastor, preach this and rebuke your people, please.
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Yah people are so weird. I guy came back to church after three or four years of not coming and needed work. I told him I could give him equipment and help him learn to do the type of work I do. I gave him my phone number to call me so we could discuss. He never called and never came back to church. Has never been back. He could have just told me he is not really interested in the line of work….
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Hi I use to fulfil the role as a Pastor and one of my passions and sense of responsibility was to ensure that every new person on Sunday morning was spoken too.. And to encourage members to connect and keep connecting to ensure people did feel a sense of being accepted for who they are. I went through a devastating experience having to leave our church family and to begin the journey of finding another church with my 4 children and husband. Never ever did I realise how difficult it is to connect and develop relationships when you are a stranger. Because of my experience and my background in community psychology I was keenly aware of the lack of meaningful positive relationships which are genuine. Even if you were welcomed, once the welcoming group felt that you were committed there was a disengagement. People were taught to relate only to ensure you would commit to belong to their church.. There was a condition attached to the meaning of the conversation. To stand alone in a crowd at church is a painful experience – the sense of isolation and exclusion is more defining because of what church and church family represent. I urge people to give a gift of yourself on Sunday morning.. Share.. Listen.. Ask questions.. Seek to discover and understand the other.. Convey a sense of acceptance and genuine interest – don’t do it once but again and again.. And perhaps give the gift of your friendship.. Beyond the sermon, the cup of teas, and niceties is the opportunity to communicate genuine love.. Unconditional love… And this is what makes the difference to a stranger who stands alone… Vanessa
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It’s just the old Adamic nature. Self centeredness and ingratitude. People will easily forget any good thing you do for them. Do one wrong thing, they will remember it for decades. I attended a church from 1982 to 2010. I helped people move, helped them build their houses with my own two hands, continually went to their homes to work on their computers or other needs. Taught the Bible school classes, taught the morning adult and children’s Sunday school classes, cleaned the church, remodeled the church, maintained the church, ran the video cameras, and managed the church web site.
After all that, people often would not speak to me, speak harshly to me, or ignore and even avoid me. Complete madness. So I left hand have not been back since. And these are people that I can tell you, know the scripture inside and out.
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I believe most of our communication skills have been laid down in childhood. Some of us have learnt good social skills from our parents or other influentual figures. Then as tiny people we are exposed to classrooms and schoolyards where some dont fair as well as others. All these experiences dont leave us when we come to a church community and some may feel that nothing has changed. But we can change if we become part of the gospel story where those who love Christ are included.
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Agree….. either our parents teach us to be outgoing, loving, engaging people that are interested in others, or we will not be that.
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Great to highlight that we can all do this. A friend once told me that we would not invite someone into our home and just leave them standing there alone – so why would we do that in the home of our Church? I use the “I don’t think I’ve met you before, I’m Phil!” line all the time – it breaks the ice in a friendly and non-threatening way. Thanks for the article
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I have felt alone, ignored, and uncomfortable at attending a new church when we first moved to a new state. I gave it 2 weeks, then shared my concern with an understanding pastor. Wow, within 24 hours I was invited to join a prayer quilt sewing circle, an exercise group who also meet for breakfast 2 mornings a week, a Bible study, and a dinner at a member’s home. The church pickle ball players contacted us about playing two days a week. I now sit with several lovely ladies for services, and not a week has gone by that I have not connected with someone new. I have taken numerous opportunities to serve and connected with even more members. This pastor was a gift from God!
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I may be a complete loner in this, but I’m a bit anti the sales approach. I kind of prefer to be left alone when I’m somewhere new, whether a church or a store. I like to observe, get my bearings, gather my thoughts. I actually don’t like it when I’m interrupted by someone introducing themselves, and now I have to go through the social motions of friendship, even more pointless if I doubt I’ll see them again. And when I’m ready, I’ll break the silence. At that time the response of the person is very important. But before that time, I need nothing, and nothing more than the eye contact with the eyebrow that says “you ok?” so that my nod “yep I’m fine” will suffice.
Maybe my contribution here is to say, gently gently, just in case you get a crabby old feller like me.
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I think you make a lot of sense GMW, you raise some relevant food for thought, ties in with some of the points I make in my post on here.
Steve.
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It’s all about what you want / need. What about what they need? That is the entire problem right there my friend.
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You sound exceedingly difficult to please.
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Daniel, I am so sorry for your pain, hurt, & anger. I wish there were something I could say that would erase it all. Just know that I will remember you in prayer–in fact, I’m praying now–and bring up your name and situation at our prayer meeting tomorrow evening. I wouldn’t even begin to suggest what you “should” do. But I know that God has you covered and He will guide and comfort you.
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It is sad to read people saying they have decided to leave church and never go back as they are tired of feeling rejected and alone. I have felt the pain of not feeling welcome at a service, of feeling that no one talks to me or makes me feel a part of things but I have usually found that the best solution is to take the initiative and instead of waiting for others to seek me out, seek them out. I look around for people sitting/standing on their own and go and have a chat. It may not be for a long time but it helps remind me that church is not all about me, it is about learning and sharing the love of Christ with others to encourage them and worshipping a saviour that went out of His way to save me when I was ignoring him. Praying for God’s help in the process is essential. At one church I made myself talk to one new person and one person I’d met before each week – it wasn’t long before I had broken the ice and made friends but also helped others do the same. Hang in there, it is hard – but we can do all things through Christ, who gives us strength!
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Taking initiave just becomes busy work, fostering the American business model social club called the church.
This post is so accurate of our spiritual condition. We all think we’re having a personal revival.
Test the Spirits. Find a church that doesn’t just want what you can do for them, but one that feeds the sheep. We feed on the word of God, not socialism.
America is asleep! Real Christians have to work together to survive, find their call, and seek encouragement in this dark world. And, everyone, all ages, need Jesus. Not just the new people, or churches only focused on leadership and millennials, which is a huge problem these days. Perhaps listen to the older generations!
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Well said. When we walk into the church building, we are the to minister to the body of Chris. We are not there to be ministered to. When people say “I’m not getting anything out of it”, the answer should be “what are you putting into it”? When people say “we are leaving because this church is not meeting my needs”, the answer should be, “what are you doing to meet others needs?”
Selfishness verses Selflessness
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What’s really fun is going as the guest preacher to a church and asking the pastor to not treat you as the guest speaker and see what happens 😀
Sit in the back row etc and see how people treat you – it’s a ton of fun to see people’s reactions when you get up to preach! Of course the pastor has to be willing to hear feedback on how his church welcomes people for this to really work. Still it’s something that is fun to do.
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This can be a tricky one, I think the fact that we are all personally different contributes to the varied responses that are to be found. I think too, that it sometimes depends on what a visitor’s expectations are, if they come and expect to be the centre of attention, then this can potentially backfire on them through no fault of any existing parishioner. The ultimate aim for anyone visiting a church should be to seek out Christ, at no time are we encouraged to seek our personal fullfilment when deciding to visit a church. Having said that though, a bit of genuine hospitality can go a long way.
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Having recently moved churches i can identify with this essay.
Sadly I have gone to church lead fellowships, music, services, lay preached and still i can stand at morning tea and not have anyone talk to me.
I have weekends where i have worked at making contact with people. Newbies and church family but find unless im working at it we retire to our clicks and thats where it ends.
It partly comes from our reliance on small groups to encourage growth. If your not in a small group you’re on the edge
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Yah Mark, many Christians are just self centered and only in church to please family members that guilt them into being there. They don’t really want to be there and so do not socialize or even move out of their pew to say hello to anyone. Just come in, sit down, and leave immediately after the service is over without making the rounds to express any fellowship,
I am thinking of leaving my church one again for this very reason. I do realize that no church is perfect and neither am I. I was raised in a big city and now I go to church 45 miles from home to a very small town church where many there are related and / or also are life long neighbors. I am an “outsider”. I go to this church do to the doctrine we hold as truth. Many in the church have been raised with the teaching that of you miss church, you are being “unfaithful to God’s people”. On the other hand I have no problem with taking off for the weekend and missing church once in a while. I also go to other churches once in a while. This missing of church by me is resented by those in the church and they are obviously upset. They passive-aggressively demonstrate this by giving me the silent treatment, sulking, not being friendly, etc. Many people have come to our church and left because when they do come to church they hear this; “We missed you last week”. Now that may seem harmless but people do not want others to keep track of when they are in church and when they are not. Nor do they want to be reminded that they were not in church. People do not want someone else keeping a church attendance score card.
As for the not talking to other, people need to understand that when they do not speak to other people not only are they being perceived as cold, indifferent, selfish, stuck up, and unfriendly, they ACTUALLY ARE cold, indifferent, selfish, stuck up, and unfriendly. Wise up people. Examine what you are presenting to other Christians that come to your church. Act like you have just one shred of interest in other people. 1 Peter 4:8 – “And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.”
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Please don’t tell me ‘I’m not good at talking to new people’.
We all do it in our worklife. Why is it so easy to talk to new people in our work day lives and not church? What is the driving force? From new customers at work, we want return business , so we invest time into them. We have to remember we are working for our Father in heaven’s business of the gospel. We need to put that work ethic into our ‘christian’ life.
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As an introvert, it’s easy to talk to someone at work because I have an agenda. I even speak at tech conferences. Trying to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, however, often fills me with dread. Something that only God can help me overcome.
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You’re a grown man, why would simply talking to someone fill you with dread? I guess you’re exaggerating to add emphasis?
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Over the years numerous friends from different cities and towns have complained of the same problem. But some had walked out before anyone had a chance to speak to them. So some years ago I resolved that I was going to make an effort to greet anyone I hadn’t met before. I prayed for God to give me the courage and the words to say. That He did. And each time I took the risk to do it I became more and more comfortable. Now it’s second nature. And doing the Pastoral Care course at Mary Andrews College equipped me further.
Over the last few years I have had the privilege of visiting other Churches as I house sit in different areas. Most of them were very welcoming. I was very pleasantly surprised.
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Most pastors are the biggest offenders, as they spend all their time before and after services having business meetings with their staff rather than talking with their congregants. I realize they are busy, but they need to be available and they need an intentional army of lay people to help them.
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Exactly.
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I see that I must be more imaginative and prepared to make a fool of myself, in order to get people to talk to me. I have thought of leaving my Church for the reason stated, that nobody talks to me (because they are like me ) Umm. Never thought of that.
Church is more difficult than the world, because in the world one expects to be ignored more these days, but I set myself up for disappointment, in that I think that Church, should be better! Why is it though, I can’t even talk to the Pastor and my friends about this?
There are more taboos in Church….. to make honest conversations, frank discussions of how things are because much as I would like too, I get the feeling that other people would not be so welcoming, of frank discussions..(not nasty angry words), just being truthful instead of hiding behind my ‘church’ face…
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Thanks for your thoughts Pat. I agree with you – that our expectations of church ARE higher …but also that they probably SHOULD be higher given that our call to be family and love each other is central to why we gather.
I guess I have been challenged by that idea that what we “expect” from the church is only sustainable by what “we” (the ‘everyone’ that makes up church) are contributing to it.
Unfortunately there are also times when people are just flat out let down by a particular community. I wish it weren’t so – but I know it is.
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Well, this is ironic. Today, I have left the church I was attending for 7-1/2 years. More often than not, I found myself left to my own devices. After today’s service, absolutely NO ONE talked to me, except when I approached a fellow who was part of the service. Without going into detail regarding this situation (which I guess is limited anyway), at this point, I plan to never attend church again anywhere. This has been ongoing throughout my Christian walk for 13 years: the unfriendliness of church & of Christians. Maybe it is my fault, as I continue looking to connect, but to no avail. All I know is what Jesus said at the end of Matthew 5 (“if you salute your brethren only”) and during the parable of the sheep & the goats in Matthew 25 (“I was a stranger, and ye took me in…I was stranger, and ye took me not in.”), I am so angry, so sad, so bitter, so frustrated, and yes, so hurt. Ultimately, I consider that I’m simply rejected. I’ll just do worship by myself from here out so I don’t have to be around Christians anymore.
Thanks.
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I to had just started attending a new church about four weeks ago. At first it seemed that many of the congregation wanted to find out my name and where I come from and why i chose there church. That last part seems to be a bit odd, as if there was suppose to be a catch. So I have been going a few weeks now and nobody hardly says a word to me. I sat there having some water and just looked around and noticed everybody in their cliques, even the older folks. A few of them I caught glancing at me and when I smiled back to show them I am an open person and okay to talk to, they immediately turned their heads, or walk off. I even left halfway through the service a couple times to see if I could get the attention of others in wondering why I leave early. Not one single person cared and so I have missed a couple services and not one phone call to find out if I’m okay. I do remember talking with one of the members of the church that had been going for years and I told them my age and he asked if I was married and I told him, not yet. I just wonder if this could be the reason behind it, since so many church’s are big on marriages. Just dealing with this action from Christians really makes me question a lot of things about the religion and I have gone so far as to research other religion options to connect to the Lord. I may just end up doing my own thing and just connected to the Lord in my own way and time and since the Lord knows all, he will understand but with a very sad heart for my reason doing this. Good luck to you all on your success in finding a church family that accepts you.
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If we are all friendly and outgoing at church, problem solved. Problem is, most people in church are looking for others to be providing what they need instead of trying to provide what the other person needs. The Pastor cannot do everything but the Pastor can try to convince the congregation to be selfless and be meeting the needs of others.
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Thanks for writing this! I’m in the place of being new again and it is really hard sometimes. It is definitely making me aware of how it feels to be new, to not have friends…..how it feels to have no one speak to you. It is tough. It is really hard to push yourself into the uncomfortable. But…I do really want to be a person that doesn’t let the uncomfortable stop me from doing what God is asking of me. Thanks again. You are super cool Kim!!!
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